Fear and Faith: On the Platforms of the Windmill

Fear is a strange thing. It overtakes all sense of logic and can leave its victim without the ability to even form a coherent thought. I know this because I have seen it first hand. While I do have a fear of heights, it usually does not require me to change much about my life. I would say that my fear is a milder version than some. My oldest daughter is absolutely, completely terrified of frogs or toads. I know that may sound strange to you, but the sight of an amphibious, jumping little greenish brown thing will send her to edge of reality and she will do whatever she can to get as far away as possible while trying not to hyperventilate. We are not exactly sure when or why this fear was birthed, but it runs deep. Luckily, it isn't as though one has to maneuver around frogs on a daily basis in Central Texas, so it really doesn't impact her life too terribly.

My mother on the other hand, like me is scared of heights. Maybe I should rephrase that, she is deathly terrified of any height taller than a two-inch wedge heel. One time she had received tickets to watch the Texas Rangers play because she was being honored as her school district's Teacher of the Year. The tickets were just a few rows from the very top of the incredibly tall stadium. I wasn't too keen on going up there to watch (I mean, the birds were flying below us), but my husband, father, and other family were excited about seeing their favorite team. I stayed with mom. She confided in me that when she gets up in high places like that, she is overcome by the intense thought to just go ahead and jump to her death because it is going to happen anyway; her brain says, "Get it over with already!" I was flabbergasted, and quickly made her promise to never do that! Truth is, she can't control the fear, it completely overpowers her logic and luckily she has never acted on the urge. Mom doesn't even do very well going down single flights of stairs or escalators if they are the narrow kind. The more narrow they are, the more steep they appear, and her fear starts to set in. She has managed her entire life and has learned ways to manage her fear and occasionally even beats her fear, but it never goes away. Fear is a really strange thing.

I have heard several times that fear and faith cannot reside in the brain at the same time; that your mind is either fearful or faithful. Which leads me to believe that, like fear, faith must be something that overcomes you and even overtakes all sense of logic. Faith usually isn't logical. Fear is hardly ever logical. In my experience, one causes me to behave illogically and the other causes me to rest in the illogical.

 A great illustration of fear versus faith is a story I remember my Grandpa and Grandma telling me when I was younger. You see, I think the fear of heights was something that in a lot of ways could have been passed down from generation to generation. My grandpa was an intimidating man who stood tall at six feet seven inches. He was a wheat farmer in Northern Oklahoma and a school teacher and counselor. My grandma complemented Grandpa with her slight five foot even build and often helped in the farming business as well as taught school herself. I am sure while reading this post, Grandma will smile at the story and hopefully I do it justice, as my grandpa was quite the story teller in his day.

Grandma and Grandpa in the early years

Grandma and Grandpa ( We sure do miss him)

As I recall, Grandpa and Grandma were working at the farm and the windmill had somehow broken. This windmill was instrumental in their farming because it pumped the water for the stock pond or "tank" for the livestock on the farm. (Grandpa owned cattle and a few horses as well as farming wheat.) Without the windmill pumping water to the tank, the animals would not survive. My grandpa, remember was afraid of heights. I believe his fear was at least as strong as my mother's if not more magnified.

I am not completely certain how tall the windmill was, but in talking to my parents, I am thinking it was around 25-30 feet in the air, and looked similar to this one. The way I remember the story, Grandpa had determined what exactly was broken on the windmill and had the ability and parts to repair it so he and Grandma headed down to the creek. I don't know if you can see it, but on this lovely wooden structure is a tiny little wooden ladder going up one side. The way I always pictured this in my mind when Grandpa told the story was that his had the ladder up the back of the windmill, but it could have been on the side. The problem was that the portion that needed to be repaired was on the opposite side as the ladder, and around the front (blade-side) of the windmill. This meant that someone would have to climb up the tiny, rickety ladder, step on that tiny platform at the top, then stretch around the blades to the other platform to stand so they could do the repairs. Here is where the story gets interesting.

Determined to be self-sustaining and take care of his farm, my grandpa steeled himself against his fear of heights and began the ascent of the tiny ladder. Now I always found it fascinating that a man who to me seemed 12 feet tall would be in the least affected by heights, but nevertheless, he was. At the top, I am sure shaking with fright, but still determined, he would take a deep breath and try to get the nerve up to step on the tiny platform and then stretch his long legs around and step to the other side to fix the windmill. He couldn't do it.  Defeated, he climbed down. Knowing they had to get it fixed, Grandma offers to give it a try. (don't forget she is just 5' tall.) She climbs up the ladder, which probably took her a little longer, and gets to the top. Grandma doesn't have the intense fear of heights, so she steps to the platform and makes the attempt to get to the other side. Her shorter legs will not reach. Defeated, she climbs down. The story goes that Grandpa climbed up again and tried to overpower the intense fear that he had and just couldn't get to the other side, so he climbed back down because Grandma thought she could make it this time. Grandma climbs up and stretches as far as tiny legs will stretch and cannot reach the other side. Apparently they did this little dance of the windmill  for quite a while before my grandpa was able to overcome the fear and get to the other side, repair the windmill and continue farming. Can you just imagine the conversation between this young couple as they both know this has to get done and neither one seem to be able to get it done and yet, there is no one else to do it for them. I can imagine the frustration, conflict, irritation, and later comic relief the entire windmill repair embodied. In that moment, Grandpa had to have enough faith that the platform would hold him, that he could do it, that he would not fall so he could overtake the deeply rooted fear that had prevented him from being successful on every prior attempt. Was the platform stronger that last time? Was Grandpa better prepared? Was he more steady or more ready? Was the climb shorter or the height less scary? I wasn't there, but my guess to each of these questions is, "Absolutely not!" There was no more logical reason to believe it would be okay the 10th time he tried than the 1st time he tried; he just got tired of allowing the fear to win. One side of that windmill platform was labeled FEAR and the other side labeled FAITH; fear and faith cannot abide in our lives at the same time.

Psalm 56: 3-4

"When I am afraid, 

I will trust in you.

In God, whose word I praise

In God I trust; I will not fear"

A fear of heights, or frogs, or storms (another family trait), or snakes, or spiders or public speaking are all things people deal with on a regular basis. Often it is not as much the identified item that is feared, but the threat of what danger or harm it might possibly inflict upon its victim. Many fears are natural, healthy survival instincts that sometimes are fed a little too aggressively. The fears that are the most damaging in my opinion are the silent ones; the ones no one will talk about. The fear of failure, the fear of commitment, the fear of success, the fear of responsibility, the fear of the truth,the fear of loss, the fear of change, the fear of the future, the fear of the past catching up to us, the fear of rejection, the fear of the unknown, the fear of being known...these fears are more taboo; these fears are silent. These fears we don't like to admit we have. These fears will control our lives if we allow them and are infinitely more aggressive than the tangible fears.

You see, my mom can choose the elevator instead of steep stairs. Kaitlyn can just avoid Kermit. My grandpa could have even paid someone else to climb the windmill if it had come to that or found a friend to help. But these silent fears, these intangible fears,  these are the ones that will overcome you and cause you to make poor decisions or keep you from good decisions. These fears will hold you hostage and stifle your growth. These fears are ongoing, and can only be overcome by replacing them with something that will overcome your heart with just as much intensity and power: faith.

The Bible says in Hebrews:

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is the assurance of what is hoped for; the conviction of what is unseen."

It is impossible to be fearful and have faith at the same time. You cannot step out in faith if you have fear! The apostle Peter who saw Jesus coming to him on the top of the water asked to be able to walk on the water also and Jesus said one simple word to Peter, "Come." Peter jumped out of the boat, ignoring the waves of a tumultuous sea, and started walking. He had faith in that moment in his Savior and was stepping out not in water, but in faith alone, which held him above the water. But suddenly, he slipped into human logic and realized what was happening was impossible by all accounts and that the sea was tossing around him and he was fully clothed in garments that were probably pretty heavy, especially when wet. His fear took hold of him, and he began to sink. What did Jesus say and do? He said, " You of little faith..." The faith had been immediately replaced by fear and Jesus had to reach out and restore the faith. Maybe it is just me, but God has told me so many times to "come" and I will be excited until I notice a little wind resistance or a wave lapping at my toes and suddenly I am thrust head-first into my former fears! Thank goodness our Lord is gracious and patient with me and picks me up, and reminds me that faith should have my focus, not fear.

Matthew 14:29-31

29 “Come!” He said.

And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus.30 But when he saw the strength of the wind,[k] he was afraid. And beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out His hand, caught hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” 

One other thing I have heard speakers say about fear is that something like 90% of what you fear never happens! Honestly, I do not know if that is some fabricated statistic to make a point or not, but from my experience, it holds a lot of truth. Things that I worry myself over or try to manipulate situations to avoid, hardly ever happen anyway! The times that the most feared thing happened, I have grown through that and learned so much about who I am and who others are and most importantly who God is. If I think of the flip side of the coin, in my experience, the same percentage (if not more) would have to apply about things that I rested in faith over; at least 90%- if not all- worked out just how they were supposed to. Sometimes, not exactly how I had planned, but in hindsight, my plans really aren't all they are cracked up to be.

Think about the rhetoric often used around the word 'fear'. Frozen in FEAR. Gripping FEAR. Overcome by FEAR. Overwhelming FEAR. Wild with FEAR. Spine- tingling FEAR. Heart-pounding FEAR. Trembling with FEAR. Awe struck FEAR. Just typing these makes my heart race a little and I am feeling a little anxious! But for a moment, think with me about the difference it would make, just in the meanings of the phrases if you replaced FEAR with the one and only thing that can literally take its place: FAITH. How would you like to have overwhelming FAITH? Or to be Overcome by FAITH? Spine-tingling FAITH? Heart-pounding FAITH! Or one of my favorites, wild with FAITH! Wow, what a difference! One windmill platform of FEAR and the other of FAITH! What a beautiful picture in my mind now! I think I may write these on cards so I can flip over the fear and replace it with faith! I don't know if anyone can relate, but this gets me excited and makes my heart beat a little faster!

I don't know which particular fear grips you the easiest, but I have found that being aware of the feeling helps me put it in greater perspective and I know that spirit of fear is not from God. God gives us the ability to have faith; Satan throws darts of fear at us. If I am truly overcome by fear, that is of the devil and I have the Holy Spirit in me that can cast that off if I will just allow faith to abide instead.

2 Timothy 1:7 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.

 There are countless scriptures in the Bible that either use the phrase " Do not be afraid" or "Fear not". This is a list of just a few. If you are struggling with replacing fear with faith, please look these up and read them OUT LOUD! Let your mouth speak the words, your ears hear the words so your heart will know the words.

Deuteronomy 31:6 & 31:8, Joshua 1:9, Isaiah 41:10 & 54:4, Jeremiah 1:8, Ezekiel 2:6, Matthew 10:26, John 14:27, Hebrews 13:6, I John 4:18

Isaiah 44:8 is one of my favorites:

"Do not be startled or afraid. Have I not told you and declared it long ago? You are my witnesses! Is there any God but Me? There is no other Rock."

You know we refer to it as a "leap of faith" but there is no such thing as a "leap of fear." Fear is human nature, unintentional. Faith is God's nature and must therefore be humanly intentional. So here's to intentionally replacing fear with faith; every day, every time, everyone.

Blessed more than I deserve,

Stephanie

srieper89@gmail.com

www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

But I Trust in You....

I have always been a sucker for a great quote. I have several quotes that I post around my classroom and have even had a quote of the day for several years while teaching. Yesterday, while catching up on one of my favorite shows that I record and watch later, one of the characters said a line that made me stop for a moment and say a mental "wow." In that one line, God began to speak this next blog post.

" Your gratitude is nice, but what I want is your trust." (Auggie, Covert Affairs) 

Now before you think I am one of those people who can find a connection to God in anything, let me say that I don't really mean to do so; I think it is more like God finds me. It isn't like I watch a show and think, "I wonder what God is going to say to me through Law and Order today." Or go to the movies with the mindset that Denzel's next line is going to be a Spiritual awakening in my heart. What happens is much more subtle than that. Something more akin to a whisper of God, " Did you see/hear that? Don't you see how that is just like me?" or "Did you see what I did there?" So when Auggie said, "Your gratitude is nice, but what I want is your trust." God said, "Just like my relationship with my children; why is it so hard to trust me? " Whoa - that was unexpected. I watched the rest of the show and went about my day in normal fashion, but the lingering thought kept coming to me, "Your gratitude is nice, but what I want is your trust."

As I was trying to sleep that night and knew that I would be writing this, my mind raced. I thought about all the things we so readily give our trust to every single day, but somehow handing our trust over to the Creator of the World causes such internal turmoil and resistance. I mean honestly think about all the people and things we put our trust in today. Have you ever had your car parked by a valet? I know some of you adore (possibly idolize) that car, but you trust some random stranger in khakis to park your car for you without a scratch. We trust that the rest of the general public will follow at least enough driving rules daily that when we get out on the roads in our vehicle, we will return safely; this despite the inordinate number of accidents that happen in a 24 hour time period. We trust our bank with our hard-earned money. We trust our well-educated doctor to treat our ailments accurately. We trust people we barely know to watch our children while we work or even while we work out! We even trust random strangers to cook our meals for us on a regular basis! We trust pilots to fly us to our destination.  We trust our friends, our coworkers, our family, our ministers. We put our trust in the most fallible creature on the planet every day and rarely think twice about it. But when God asks us to trust him often He is greeted by whining, and wailing and whys. Whoa.

Proverbs 3:5-6Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

5 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding;

6 

think about Him in all your ways,

and He will guide you on the right paths.

"Your gratitude is nice, but what I want is your trust." 

We give our gratitude freely. I mean, that should be enough right? So, I searched the words, "trust in the Lord" in a Bible app I like to use and it gave me 56 different scripture references that all say that exact phrase. I looked up just the word, "gratitude" and received two different scriptures and only one of them was in reference to the Lord. Now I am sure you are thinking that the word "thanks"( and is basically the same as gratitude) is listed throughout scripture and you would be correct. But I want you to consider that having gratitude and giving thanks are two different, albeit connected, ideas. Gratitude is a state of the heart; a way of feeling. Whereas giving thanks is an act spurred on by gratitude. Gratitude is a way we feel after God does something, trust on the other hand is required prior to God's work.

 We are never really commanded to have gratitude in our hearts, but we are commanded to trust with all our heart. The Psalms are filled with verses about trusting in the Lord, and what that means. Many of the scriptures that talk about trusting him also give us the promises that go along with that trust. I think trust is an act of the heart, something that combines both the state of the heart and an accompanying action.

Psalm 28:7New International Version (NIV)

7 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

    and with my song I praise him.

I've thought that maybe we have a difficult time trusting the Lord because we don't really know him. But then I am reminded again of all the people we do not know, or barely know, that we trust daily. Sometimes that trust is even ruined by a person and yet we turn around and place the same trust in another random stranger. For instance, my husband once contracted food poisoning from a meal eaten at a particular restaurant. It was terrible and landed us in the emergency room at our local hospital. Granted, we have not gone back to that particular restaurant, but we have eaten in numerous restaurants since then. Most, if not all, with people cooking our food that we do not know. I know people who have had a terrible haircut experience, but that has not stopped them from getting their hair done by someone. Or a misdiagnosis from a doctor, or a bad manicure, or misinformation passed on from a friend, or gossip spread by a coworker. The list could go on for miles. Some of them we even chalk up to human error and continue to trust that same person; I mean everyone has an off day, right?

So why then is it so hard to trust the One who never has an off day? The One who knit us together in our mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13) The One whose promises are lavished upon us over and over in His love-letter to our hearts; promises that only can come from the Creator himself. Promises that the good works He has started in us, He will finish. (Philippians 1:6) Promises that He can use anything in our life for a good purpose.(Romans 8:28) Promises that He sees the whole plan and it is for us to prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11) Promises that we will be blessed just by trusting Him. (Psalm 40:4, 84, 12, Proverbs 16:20, Jeremiah 17:7) Promises that He has our best interest at heart and wants us to live abundantly. (John 10:10) Promises of peace and direction and hope. (Romans 15:13, 16:20, I Corinthians 14:33, Philippians 4:7) And that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface! He has promised joy from mourning, and beauty from ashes; He has promised help and justice, and joy!

So what is it? Why do we have to fight with everything we have to trust Him? I think it is partly because we are fighting a Spiritual battle against a very determined devil who wants to "kill, steal and destroy" our testimony! (John 10:10) Unfortunately, Satan is well-versed in the ways of our sinful hearts; he knows exactly what recording to play in our mind to get us off track and focused on our selfish desires. The one I think he caters to when it comes to trusting God, is our innate desire to control things. You see when we trust people in the world, we still have a semblance of control. Sometimes it is just a perceived control, but we live in a society that makes it seem as if we have the right to control everything in our lives. We do trust someone we have never met to cook our meal, but we control what the food is going to be and how we want it cooked and I've seen people exert their desire for control to the point that I am embarrassed for them when the meal fell short of their expectations. I have seen people walk out of a hair salon in tears and refused to pay when the stylist did not manage to make them look like Jennifer Aniston when "clearly that was the picture of the hairstyle they presented." I know there are people who will threaten lawsuits for every manner of thing that they put their trust in and the reality fell short of expectation. That is the kind of world we live in.

God's reality is much different. He demands unconditional trust and the very idea that we want to hold back a little tiny niblet of control completely negates that trust. For Him it is all or nothing, no options, no
pre-ordering for desired results, no sending back the plate for another try, no fit throwing or foot stomping. If any of that happens on our part, then it is apparent that the trust was not a heart trust like He truly wants. You see, He is preparing a feast for you and you don't even get to pick out the appetizer. He is a pilot of a plane that you do not know the destination. You do know it will be good, and for your benefit and the benefit of the Kingdom of God. Sometimes it may not be the feast we thought we ordered, but if we are trusting Him, it will be the one we accept with the gratitude that He provided a feast. Sometimes it is not one that we find appetizing at all at first, but God uses it to teach and grow and stretch us to a place that by the time we get to the dessert round, we might even order another plate! There are even sometimes that I feel like I am eating someone else's plate, if you know what I mean. I have to fight the urge to whine about it not being fair. If only I had a heart for others more than for myself, I would gladly take that plate served to impact the heart of another. I am convicted many times over for my lack of love for the very ones Christ is leaving me here to reach. I only hope that as He works in my life and heart that I will become more and more like Him daily.

The only other reason I can think of that causes us to not trust the Lord, Creator of Heavens and Earth, is that we don't really believe He is. Ouch. In my opinion, if we believe the scripture to be the Holy, God-breathed word of truth, then trusting should be the natural next step. We will not put our trust into something we don't believe in. If I walked into my hair salon and there was a "stylist" dressed in a chef's smock and hat with a set of knives and kitchen shears on the counter, I am not sure I would believe she was a hairdresser and most likely would not allow her to touch my hair! If we do not believe the Word of God as truth, then trust would be a ridiculous expectation. Maybe it is just a matter of being in the Word more, but I think it is a heart condition. If you have never truly put your belief into the Savior for eternal life and all that entails, then trusting Him for everything else is just silly and missing the point!

Psalm 9:10

Those who know Your name trust in You because You have not abandoned those who seek You, Yahweh.

John 3:15-18Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

15 so that everyone who believes in Him will[a] have eternal life.

16 “For God loved the world in this way:[b] He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God.

"Your gratitude is nice, but what I want is your trust." will now be the resounding statement in my mind ever single time I thank God for something. Did I trust Him through this situation before the gratitude was placed in my heart for the outcome? Am I trusting Him 100%; no whining, wailing or whys? Do I trust Him unconditionally- without pre-ordering the outcome? If not, why not? In a world where trusting yourself and being in control is the primary theme, I challenge that unconditional trust in our Savior is the key to our fulfillment of His calling, the only way to grow Spiritually and a command to every child of God.

Psalm 31:14

But I trust in You, Lord; I say, “You are my God.”

Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com

www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Failure is Not An Option

I Thessalonians 2:1 " You know brothers that our visit to you was not a failure."

Man I needed this scripture recently, and as always, God's timing is impeccable. I started a study with a ladies' group at church over I & II Thessalonians and the second week we covered this scripture.  Paul, Timothy, and Silas had just tried to visit Thessalonica but they were quickly run out the town after visiting Philippi and being stripped, beaten and thrown in prison there. They barely had a chance to even say "hello," but Paul is assuring his friends that the visit was not a failure. You see, they planted seeds, (and a church) they were obedient to the call of the Lord and they did the work to spread the gospel. I am sure things did not go as Paul, Timothy and Silas had anticipated; I am sure they felt a tinge of disappointment. I don't know if you know that much about Paul in the New Testament, but he is a pretty dynamic character in the history of the New Testament church and spread of the gospel. Even so, I am sure being beaten and thrown in jail was not really his idea of a successful missionary journey to a town of people he really cared about. Luckily for me, God allowed him to understand, and to assure others, that actually "failure" really wasn't an option as a descriptor as long as God was in control.

True confession: I have a touch of what people call perfectionism. Okay, maybe it is more like a serious problem. The weird thing is that it is only self-directed. I don't expect others to be perfect, and am probably one of the most tolerant of others' mistakes and shortfalls, but when it comes to my own, I am ruthless. A lot of that personal perfectionism is related to my many deeply rooted insecurities or maybe the two just feed off of one another. I am determined to be good enough and right and yet am terrified that I am correct when I think I am not; such a weird internal conundrum.

 My perfectionism is magnified when I have something specific to accomplish or there is a measurable end product. For instance, when I went back to school to earn my teaching degree it became a screaming billboard for everyone around me to see. I had to get all A's; anything less was unimaginable.

 I went back after working as a teacher's aide for 10-12 years, knowing I wanted to teach. I quit working and in four semesters of college completed 84 semester hours to graduate as quickly as possible. Yes, I took 19-24 semester hours each semester, even begging the dean at one point to allow the 24 hours that semester. That my friends, is perfectionistic encephalitis or "crazy" for short.

 I worked my tail off while taking all those classes. I even remember Amanda asking one day, " Momma, do you have homework every day?" What is silly is that the degree wasn't nearly as important as all those individual course marks. And to this day, one course, Mexican American History, is my biggest frustration. 

The class I really enjoyed. My professor was a crop pants, flip-flop wearing self-proclaimed hippie who was very laid-back (duh) and very knowledgeable. He basically just talked the entire time and showed us pictures of his travels and why he loved Mexican history so much. Lucky for me, I have a pretty remarkable memory and take good notes, (although they are usually scattered all over a page.)

 I was crammed into a class of mostly history majors and mostly 15 years younger than me. The best part about this class ( and I understand this will elicit audible groans from some of you) was that his tests were 100% essay. I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but I'm pretty adept at what I have always affectionately called "fluffing" in writing. That ability added to my memory allowed me to always do well on essay tests. I needed this one last history class for my degree plan and was glad it would be one I felt I could comfortably gain an A in.

The first test day rolls around and I purchase the little blue book (a composition book we had to have for every test). Prior to test day, the professor would give us six possible essay topics and on test day he would only give us two of the six to choose from; we were to write about only one of them. I looked over the two topics, selected the one I felt most comfortable about and began writing. I listed what I wanted to cover in the back of the comp book to make sure I didn't leave anything out. We had two hours and I wrote probably for an hour and fifteen minutes. I read back over the three and a half pages I had wrote, checked my spelling and that I had covered everything, and then walked to the front and put it on the stack on his desk. I felt really good about that first test. 

We came back to class two days later and he had them graded and after the lecture he passed back out composition books. I quickly thumbed through my essay and there were no red marks anywhere. I flipped back to the front and at the top of my first page I saw these words in red, " Very well written. Covered all the facts! Very concise." then I glance to the inside cover of the comp book and see in pretty red pen, "B+." What??? B+? I was very confused.  I flipped back through, reread it and still didn't understand. So after class, I stayed around and walked up and introduced myself to the professor. I told him that I currently had a 4.0 GPA and wanted to work hard to keep that if possible. I said that I had received a B+ on my test essay and asked if he could let me know what I could do to improve my future essay grades in his class. He sat there on his desk, one flip-flop in the floor and one dangling from his unmannicured foot, and asked to see my essay. So I handed it to him, hoping he would just give me an idea of what he was looking for. He flipped through it and said, " Oh, yeah. You wrote really well. I liked that you were able to cover everything so well." I stood expectantly for the "but..." and he didn't disappoint. " ...but, there is no way I am  giving anything better than a B+ for only 3 1/2 pages." and with that he handed the book back to me and dismissed me with a turn to gather his slides out of the slide machine. I quickly went from curious and insecure to indignant. I was floored that he would really base his grade on how many pages it took to say what needed to be said. He had just thrown down the gauntlet to a master-fluffer; he had no idea what awaited him.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to the next test date. The professor gave us the six possible topics and I set to memorizing every minute detail about at least five of them. One of the topics had to do with how the culture of a particular tribe was evidenced in America during a specific time period. This one was very broad and left a lot of room for fluffery; it was the one I spent the most time memorizing ideas about. The day of the test, my husband drove me the hour to the school I was attending for some reason. (I think he wanted to go to a sporting store in the area, but can't really remember.) I told him we had two hours to write, and I wasn't sure how long it would take me. Knowing that I usually do not take the full time, I am sure he expected me within an hour or a little after.

I sat down, with my blue comp book and waited for the test. He put the archaic transparency on the overhead that listed the two choices. BINGO! The one I had hoped for was there and without any further ado, I began writing as quickly as I possibly could. I wrote about everything from the medicine men of the tribe to the food seasonings to the colors in the embroidery. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I covered every single minuscule possibility of anything that impacted the culture of this particular tribe and related it to the time period asked about. When I was finished, I barely had time to quickly proofread my work and count the pages. SUCCESS! Right at the two-hour mark, I placed my comp book on the top of the pile and triumphantly walked out to my waiting husband.

Trey looked worried as he asked, " Was it a bad test? How do you think you did?" I smiled and said, " Oh, I think I pretty much covered it all and I don't think he can deduct from my grade due to a lack of pages written." The look I gave must have been that mischievous look that dripped with sarcasm because he immediately and knowingly smiled and asked, " How many pages did you write?" My answer? " 24." with a content sigh of vindication. He just laughed. (I think he is used to my overachiever- itis)

The next class period for Mexican American History, I was anxious to get our tests back. As before, he passed them back towards the end of the class. I flipped through my writing, finding no more than 3-4 marks in red. I flipped to the front inside cover and noticed he had not written any comments at the top this time. I expectantly glanced across the page to see in red pen, "B+". I guess I showed him...

As I walked out, I commented to a fellow student that I was confused as to how to get an A in this class. She immediately asked my major and when I told her it was Interdisciplinary Studies, she said there was no way I would get an A. According to her, and several others around, this professor only gave A's to History majors like her. I asked what she had received on her test and she said " A-, which I am super excited about since I really didn't know what to write." That course was the only B on my transcript for all those 84 semester hours; the best I ever received on a test was an A- once. For a perfectionist, a B+ is as good as failure, but it is not failure. I graduated and not once has a potential employer asked about my Mexican American history grade.

I tell you that story just so you get an idea of how deeply I am embedded in this perfectionism so that you can understand the struggles I have with not being "good enough" in general. I have a tendency to base my worth on my performance in things especially if there is a measurable end goal. (Which makes this blog something with a lot of power to get me wrapped up in success versus failure with each post depending on how many people read it or how they respond- this is a huge learning process for me to just allow God to use my writing however He wishes regardless of whether I see any results or not.)

Now fast forward to the last couple of years. In an earlier blog post, I told you that God had placed me within a company that allowed me to minister and speak into the lives of many women on a regular basis. This position came with lots of rewards based on performance and I excelled greatly at reaching certain goals. Within three months, I had earned a free car and after seven months, I was in a leadership (management) position. My position within this company has begun to change a little creating some new choices. We decided it would be best to return the vehicle so that our family did not accrue any extra expenses. It was a difficult decision, but one that I am completely at peace with now. The thing is though, Satan has whispered more than once in my ear that this was paramount to failure; despite knowing in my heart that God is orchestrating changes and that He placed me in this company in the first place for a specific reason, there were twinges of self-doubt and I fought the urge to succumb to the idea that I was letting other down and had failed them and possibly even God by not continuing to excel the way I had in the beginning.

And then I went to the Ladies' Bible study and later that week opened my Bible to read I Thes 2:1-6. Even more, God smiled at my weakness and sent me a reminder that He is in complete control. The very day the company came to pick up my car, my blog post, (the first one I had written in years) "When God Closes a Door..." exploded like nothing I had imagined! In one day, over 1000 people had read or shared that single post! The day I could have been slapped in the face with what my insecurities (and my enemy) would tag as failure, God showed me His success! In our weakest moments, that is when God can show us more than ever! I won't lie, I shed a few tears, but I was determined to not listen to the deceiving one and to press into the Savior who has never failed me. By the end of the day, I was so excited and humbled and emotional about what God was teaching me.

Reading from my study, these words jumped off the page:

I Thessalonians 2:1-6 " You know, brothers, that our visit to you was not a failure. We had previously suffered and been insulted in Phillipi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in spite of strong opposition. For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed- God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else."

First of all, I need to quit seeing things as failures especially when I know I have followed where God led and did what I was meant to do; sometimes we don't get to stay around long enough to see the real difference made. Sometimes, well many times actually, things do not end up like we thought they would. We could save ourselves a lot of stress if we would quit painting the rest of the picture when God has only made a couple of brushstrokes. (or maybe that's just me)

Secondly, I should not allow strong opposition to guide whether I do God's work. Although the company I am with is a Christian based company, interestingly, there has been outward opposition to being successful in it and to using it as a vehicle to share God's love to others. I think sometimes people get confused and forget that God can use (and usually does) some of the things we consider so strange to further His kingdom. Sometimes others are misdirected and in a well-meaning way feel the need to enlighten you to their perspective. In the end it really doesn't matter if we have the approval or understanding of everyone we know, as long as God is in control and we allow Him to lead us. That last part is key though, do not try to force onto God something you are doing for your own gain and expect it to sit well with Him or His children. I know in my life he has sent those who spoke in love to adjust my direction.

 Which leads me to the last thing about this passage that is utterly crucial: "We are not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else." I have to be so careful, especially with my tendency towards perfectionism, to not look for praise from others to decide if I am good enough. The truth is I am good enough and yet I will never be good enough. I know that is a strange thing to say, but what I mean is that I will NEVER be good enough to truly deserve God's love, but by the blood of His son, I am good enough: I am a loved sister, chosen by God! (I Thessalonians 1: 4) All those things that I consider failures, are just silly. I am a loved sister, CHOSEN by GOD!!! During a discussion once about not quite meeting a goal and feeling like I had failed, one of my close friends said, "Stephanie, your worth is not tied even loosely to your performance. If you walked away and didn't even try, your worth would not change a bit." How I am viewed by others might change, but God's perspective of who I am is unchanging, and should stay my focus. This can become a constant battle, especially for those who struggle with low self esteem or self worth. 

I Thessalonians 1:4 " For we know, brothers (or sisters) loved by God, that he has chosen you."

 Even if not another soul reads one of my posts, even if I never earn another free vehicle, even if I had never earned one to begin with, even if I have no friends or hundreds of friends, even if I lose my temper or listen to Satan's whispers too long, or let the praise of others become my focus for a time, even if...I am a loved sister, chosen by God; nothing will ever change that. 

So loved brothers and sisters, chosen by God, what does that mean for you? What is that "failure" that God wants you to see was actually a success? How will you look at future endeavors differently?  In our study, the suggestion was made to approach our Christian brothers and sisters with this same greeting. Even if you don't say it out loud, how would that change your interaction with people? I know I can't even say that in my mind without viewing that person with a little more love and a little more compassion. 

2006 when I got my degree

One last thing I have noticed about my struggles with feeling like a failure is that often I get so wrapped up in the one small event that I am not seeing the whole picture at all. (not that my tiny little brain can ever see the whole picture)  I mean that history class for example, I don't even remember the professor's name, but I remember those grades like it was yesterday! You know what, I still graduated, got my teaching certificate and have been teaching Algebra I to ninth graders for many years now. The car that I recently returned was a huge blessing to our family for about 18 months! We had no car payment and no credit hit, it was just a bonus! Most people don't even earn a free car in their job, much less their secondary, part-time job. Not to mention that I am still a part of a great company that allows me to mentor others in Christ's love often and with amazing women that I love. How can any of that be a failure? It would be like teaching our children to ride a bike and when they finally did it on their own, we say, "Yeah, but you crashed seven times today and you had to keep the training wheels on longer than I thought." We would never do that to our kids! God would never do that to his kids, so you shouldn't do it either. You are chosen. You are loved. You are HIS. Failure isn't really an option anymore.

the amazing car that blessed our family for 18 months

Blessed more than I deserve

~ Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://facebook.com/heartiscrossed

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Then the unthinkable happened...

There I sat, on the floor of the closet, hugging my knees tightly to my chest and rocking back and forth; silent tears U8( down my face. I was more broken in that moment than I have ever been in my life. I hurt from the very core of my innermost being and it felt like I was completely and utterly alone.

When I felt my husband's integrity attacked, I immediately flew into that beastly protective mode; I needed everyone to know the man I loved, not the words they read or heard. (can you say control issues?) In the next year to year and a half, we lost most of our worldly possessions because he lost the job that he lived and loved for many years. Every week it seemed like some new bad event was happening, or something else would be lost. In the end, things are just things, but the impact this long, stressful time of our character being questioned and attacked was almost unbearable. Watching my husband become withdrawn and battle depression sent me into a mix of the same and stirred an intense need to fight for our survival.

Thankfully, our family was (and is) rooted in Christ and losing temporal things was not as devastating as it might have been otherwise. Every morning, we met as a family and prayed together that we would each have a good day. I searched scripture daily and had landed in the Psalms, reading about God delivering David from his enemies and not allowing them to have the victory. I knew, that I knew, that I knew that God was going to take care of everything and that this injustice would not be allowed to happen and be a final blow. I knew it with a deep faith certainty. (in case you missed that)

Here is where things get tricky and I hope I explain my mindset well. I have always believed in miracles. I am one of those people that if we had a need, a physical need, going to God for that and expecting the miracle to happen is second nature to me. I don't worry about the physical needs. That may be because I grew up without a lot of extras but mostly because I know that is how my parents were in their faith; God will provide. This situation was a bit different. It wasn't a physical need I was so fixated on, but the need for an injustice not to happen. The need for "good" to prevail and justice and right and....(this is starting to sound like a Marvel comic) Anyway, you get the idea. I knew God would not allow this awful thing to happen to my husband. I shouted it from the pages of Facebook and to anyone else who would listen. I didn't know how, but I knew it would work out somehow.

And then the unthinkable happened. God didn't come through. God didn't come through?

What was I supposed to do with that? I was devastated and confused. How in the world could I reconcile this in my mind? I knew without a doubt that God had told me it would be okay. I knew that God had given me scripture references to back it up. I had even set the stage for the miracle to happen and for Him to get the glory.

Oops...I had set the stage. Had I become a miracle manipulator in my intense desire to see good prevail? Had I basically tried to lay it out so God had no other option? Like I was really that much in control? (Again, control issues)

You see sometimes I think that is what we do with God. We think that we can set the stage for him to swoop down like a comic book hero and fix things and then we can shout to everyone around that our God is awesome and He just ____________ (did whatever it was.) What if He doesn't want that from you or I? Does He really need us to lead the way for Him; set His stage?

Reread the first few lines I wrote above:

 There I sat, on the floor of the closet, hugging my knees tightly to my chest and rocking back and forth; silent tears streaming down my face. I was more broken in that moment than I have ever been in my life. I hurt from the very core of my innermost being and it felt like I was completely and utterly alone.

I had prayed. I had believed. I had faith even more than a mustard seed; and you know what happened? God let me down! He didn't come through! How could He do that to me?

I was at a faith crossroads. I had to figure this thing out because I was on that floor of my closet and I was crying out to God and I honestly didn't think He was answering at all; maybe not even hearing me. I had never been faced with "What if God doesn't come through? Then what? " He had always come through. I never stopped believing in God, but I had to decide who God was in a very real, very painful, very personal way. It was almost more than I could bear to think that my God had let me down. I had to face those inner demons of thinking bad things are a punishment for bad people; the whispers of Satan trying to steal the faith embedded in my heart. Oh and he is a great whisperer.

To make matters worse, every friend, every worship song, every sermon seemed to focus or mention something about the goodness of God. I LOVE to sing and worship with my voice, but during these weeks, I couldn't. I tried and ... nothing, I mean not even a squeak came out. It was as if the words would not form on my lips. I would stand in the church and not even realize I had tears running down my face and not even be focused enough to know when to stand or sit. I was in a faith-battle haze. I was waging a war against Satan in my heart so difficult and so hurtful that I felt like I might not make it out alive. Praise God, that He resided there already and had decorated the place so well that Satan could fight but he would never have won.

The verse Romans 8:28 became a constant thorn for me during this battle.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Well-meaning friends would quote it or paraphrase it and one dearly loved elderly man of God at church kept saying to me every time he saw me, " God is good, all the time; All the time, God is good." (Mr. Paul would always pause as though he expected me to finish the phrase for him, but I just couldn't do it.) This was a huge part of what I was coming to terms with. I fervently prayed and read the Bible and searched and still felt like nothing was happening; I was getting no answers. For the first time in my Christian life, I was searching for, grasping for, answers that I thought I already knew, and they just weren't coming easily. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, or maybe not well enough; like I wasn't doing enough to get God's attention and all the time the recordings of Satan's whispers were set on replay in my mind. It was a battle extraordinaire.

You see, one of the weirdest things about me is I am very emotionally driven and very logical and the same time. When I take those left-brained (logic/math/order) versus right-brained (creative/emotional/experience) quizzes, I am always split right down the middle. So during this faith battle, my logical side would be saying things like "This isn't 'good.' Why would God allow something so unjust? How can that possibly be good for His children? If He is a loving Father God like I believe He is, He wouldn't allow something that would ruin our lives to happen like this." And then my emotional side would be saying, "God is bigger than this. I know He loves me, He has shown me. I believe Him. He can still fix this." 

After the final blow of God not showing up, our foreclosure was final, we had nowhere to live (but of course God provided), we had no way to give Christmas to our kids (but of course God provided), We lost our vehicle (but of course God provided.) We opened a business and lost a lot of money when it also closed.( but still God provided for us). I was literally in such a state that I felt like God was allowing this attack just like he allowed Job to lose so much. At one point, I even became fleetingly fearful that my children would be harmed or die next! (more whispers of Satan) And then I looked at the story of Joseph.

 This young man was one of many of his father's and his brothers didn't really like him much because he was Daddy's favorite. They plotted to kill him, but instead they sold him into slavery. (Genesis 37:18-36) Talk about an injustice! He became a slave to a very rich man in Egypt and worked his way up in the household of this rich family. 

Just about the time things were starting to look up, Joseph gets wrongfully accused of something he didn't do and thrown in prison for it without so much as an investigation. (Genesis 39:16-20) Now it doesn't say this in the scripture, but I imagine Joseph thinking that God would not allow his brothers to really sell him into slavery. Or maybe he knew that God would come through for him when he was falsely accused. I imagined he thought that the man he worked for knew him better than the words that he had heard and would investigate a little further. Or maybe he just believed God would not allow such an injustice to happen. But it did. All of it happened. He was sold as a slave by his own brothers.  He was imprisoned for something he did not do. 

So how does that reconcile with Romans 8? "God works ALL things together for the good of those who love him." Here is my only answer to that. I finally came to terms with this because I know that my little brain is laughable compared to God. He is beyond my understanding; I already knew that before all of this happened. How then do I expect to understand "good"; or at least God's version of the word. What if He has a different definition of good than I do? What if I, as usual, don't even have a teeny tiny idea of what good really is?

 Joseph, while in prison, interpreted a dream for the Pharoah. This led to him becoming second in command and in charge of all the food that Egypt had stored up during a time when people were starving to death. Guess who came knocking on his door to ask for food for their family? His brothers did and he was in a position, years later, to save his own family from imminent death and to reunite on good terms despite the evil things they had done to him. (Genesis 42) Seriously, it is a cool story- go read it! The thing is, Joseph had time to get beyond the hurt and pains that he had encountered along the way. I do not know if he was ever vindicated or publicly presented as innocent of what he was accused of. Maybe his integrity, hard-work and decency just proved to others who he really was. I am sure he made some stupid mistakes along the way, but Joseph was a man of God. How different would it have been if Joseph had stood in his prison cell screaming obscenities at his accusers and insisting the release him and prove his innocence. I am sure he must have felt like doing that at least once or twice. I wonder if the Pharoah would have ever trusted him to eventually run a large portion of the land? I wonder if some other not-so-loving guy would have been in charge of the food and Joseph's family would have perished? 

So one thing I learned is that God's version of 'good' may not match up with my version of 'good' and that I need to get over it. I don't have the panoramic view of life and I would hate for my family to die in a few years because I was pitching a fit somewhere instead of being used by God. 

The second huge faith lesson and this was what I think hit me incredibly hard and fast. I had to determine in my heart that I was placing my faith in God no matter what. No. Matter. What. Even when He doesn't, I still believe He is. He is working; He is doing; He is loving and yes, He is good. Even when I don't feel it, He is. I decided at the end of those few weeks that my heart was stuck. Even when God didn't come through like I knew, that I knew, that I knew that He would, I still trusted Him. Honestly, that was a hard fought internal battle for me. I had to decide that my faith was not conditional on how I felt or what I saw; my faith had to be completely unconditional. I trust you Lord, even if you don't come through. (like I pictured anyway)

The last thing I learned, and one I probably have to continually work on, is not to be a miracle manipulator! I like control. I think we all struggle sometimes with wanting to feel like we have a little control, but even more so when things are spinning wildly around us. I still have faith that God will provide my every need. I have learned that even though he had given us beautiful things, that His provision could be in something different. For example, I loved our house before, and it was such a God-thing that we even were able to buy that house, so it was confusing when I felt God allowing us to lose it. We had nowhere to go, and no real options to look at, when suddenly, God provided another home. This one is much smaller and not the same as a newly built house, but He provided and it has been good for us. Honestly, by the time the foreclosure happened, the house that was such a blessing had become so much of a burden that it was a relief to let it go.

 God wants us to be content in what we are given. We should rejoice with blessings we know He lavishes upon us, but don't be so selfish to believe that they are ours forever. It is a balancing act of gratefulness and trust. In that trust I need to never lose that ability to have complete and utter faith that God can move the mountain but even if He doesn't my faith cannot be swayed; unconditional faith. 

I had a friend say the other day that "God will not sift you unless there is something that needs to be sifted out." Which sounds really nice, but I am not sure I completely agree. Or maybe her meaning and how I interpret it are different. I think God does whatever needs to be done, and sometimes doesn't need to be done, to further His Kingdom. Furthermore, He sees the past, present and future as one continuum which we are not at liberty to have the panoramic view. Of course when we need something sifted out of our life, He does what needs to be done to remove it one way or another. However, I think sometimes we get sifted because we are standing too close to someone else who really needs the sifting; maybe we are there for them.  Sometimes, maybe because God needs us to be in a different place in the future and although there is no real clear reason in our vision path to be placed in slavery or prison right now, we find ourselves there metaphorically. Sometimes I think we mistake sinful human nature and choices as God's sifting. We live in a fallen world and people all around us make bad, even evil, choices daily . Those consequences have to go somewhere and often they are not contained in and around the one person making the choices.

I don't know if you've ever felt broken and alone like I did on that closet floor. I hope you never have to experience that kind of bone crushing, soul wrenching pain. If you do or have, know you are not alone. Don't stop crying out to God and don't mistake His silence for abandonment. He is there. He is allowing you to work through your faith battle and He is there. Trust Him even if He doesn't come through; unconditional trust is what God wants from us. He does work things together for the good of those who love Him, so don't roll your eyes at the sweet older guy who says "God is good, all the time; All the time, God is good."  every time you see him because he is much wiser than I am and he's right (and because I love Mr. Paul a lot). Just remember that God's idea of good probably doesn't even remotely match your idea of good, so get over it. And whatever you do, don't try to manipulate God to react in the way you want Him to. He is the designer of miracles, not us. Those are my lessons that I hope can help you get through your faith battle maybe more swiftly than I did mine. Oh and get rid of that record player in your head of Satan's whispers. Instead fill your head with new recordings; louder recordings and recordings that you have memorized so well that you can replay them as loud and as often as needed to drown out the enemy of your heart. Scripture is your best weapon when those whispers start. You can't use scriptures you do not know.

FYI: We all survived that awful time. This all happened before I even started writing and this is a family photo taken more recently. (We need a new one already though. This is a several years old)

Blessed more than I deserve,

~Stephanie

srieper89@gmail.com
www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Who knows...

With the overwhelming response of my last post, I thought maybe it would be good to write a post just telling you why I started this because it is truly a story of God working in my life for His greater good.

We have to go back several years to get the whole picture, well at least the whole picture up until now. (who knows what is in store!)

Many years ago, our family was in such a great place. God had blessed us with an amazing home that I had only dreamed of, I had finished college and was teaching (which I had wanted to do for a long time) and Trey was with a fire department and truly loved what he did; it was more who he was than what he did. In February that year, Trey was honored for his hard work and dedication. In April, things changed completely and quickly. A series of events, decisions and actions (some in our control and most out of our control), led to what felt like a deep spiral of loss, despair and hurt.

Trey lost his job, and with it, a large part of his identity. In the next two years, we lost our house to foreclosure, our only reliable vehicle, and even more devastating,  many relationships. Some of those relationships just simply walked away and some just didn't know how to handle all the bad so they just faded into the background. (after being hurt several times, I will say we also probably withdrew out of fear, creating more isolation)  We were under the heavy blanket of waiting to find what was going to happen next and we were hurting to the core. To make matters worse, we felt isolated, and confused and almost violated as much of what we were going through was undeserved and unfair. We cashed in Trey's retirement and praying, felt led to start a bakery/deli called Five Loaves Bakery and Deli. We had never owned our own business and were so clueless about what we were doing, that despite our strong opening months, unfortunately the bakery also went under and with it, the $75,000 we had invested. ( and the last money we had to live on) At that point, there were very few people left in our cheering section, and we were succumbing to self pity and devastation. We sort of circled the wagons around our little family and did our best to hang on tight to God's promises and teach the girls about faith and perseverance in action. Eventually, after 2 years without, Trey finally found a full-time job and things started improving little by little.

Blessings did happen throughout those years; God never failed us. When the house was foreclosed, we had nowhere to live, but God provided a sweet little house that would allow our pets at a price we could afford through a couple we knew at church. We started just going through the daily motions and trying to put the awful last few years behind us. The problem is that there is so much residue left from those years. I personally had lost a lot of faith in people (especially those closest to us) and in systems designed to protect people. I had a lot of trust issues. On the flip side, I also saw the goodness of people, usually who barely knew us, in how they stepped up and gave our children Christmas that year or helped buy us groceries. It was an internal conundrum, a battle of wills to see whether I would stay in a protected environment or put myself out there again for relationships to flourish.

Knowing God's design is not for us to be alone, but not really having a group of friends any longer, I felt the need to connect. I asked my mom to go with me to a ladies' Bible study at our church. It was a Beth Moore study of Esther. It changed the course of my life. I was quickly drawn to Beth with her intensity and attention to details in the scriptures. She is beautiful, funny, knowledgeable, and inspiring. In these studies, we would discuss our homework and then watch an hour long video of Beth talking/teaching. One Wednesday night, after teaching Algebra all day, I attended the study with Mom. I wasn't really part of the discussion at the beginning, as my mind was elsewhere. When the video started, of course I focused.  Then something really strange happened. As I stared at the TV screen, it was like Beth's mouth was moving but no sound was coming out- as if someone had hit the mute button. All I saw was Beth on the screen teaching, and all I heard was God clearly saying, "You are supposed to be doing this." Immediately, I argued. If someone could have recorded my thoughts that night it would have been something like : "Are you crazy, God? I am NOT Beth Moore! She is adorable, fashionable, knows your Word inside and out. She is so full of energy and speaks to people so well! I can't even keep a best friend! You've got the wrong girl, God!" and he would just respond "You are supposed to be doing this." I spent the entire hour trying to convince God that he had the wrong brain. That somehow he accidentally opened the wrong mind and spoke; maybe he meant the girl in front of me or something. Honestly this is the only time so far in my life I have audibly heard him speak to me and his words never changed, "You are supposed to be doing this." As soon as the video ended, I was teary-eyed and very emotional despite not hearing anything Beth said (which I am sure was amazing and am a little sad I missed it). I just sat there kind of dumb-founded for a few minutes and looked up and mom was watching me with that motherly look. I said to her, "I just think that I am supposed to be doing this; talking and speaking into women's lives." Can you believe, she looked me straight in the eye and said, " I know. Me too." What??? Now granted, my mom has a condition that affects her hearing, so maybe she didn't understand what I said, but she answered what God wanted her to answer. I am not sure if she meant that she was supposed to also or if she agreed and felt that God was leading me to it, but I was, well, astonished. I had a LOT to process that night and the weeks to come.

So once I came to grips with the idea that God wanted me to speak, teach or something to women for His glory, I just felt this need to do something but had no clue even where to start. That is where this blog began. I had seen blogs of all kinds and thought it couldn't be that big of a deal and that if I just shared it with people I knew then that would be a start, right? Amazingly, setting up the blog was easy and then God gave me a lesson to share. I spent a couple of hours typing and revising a voila! I had my first blog post: "Perhaps." I then wrote once a week for four weeks. Every post had about 50 views which was really cool, but didn't seem to be whatever it was God wanted from me. Then He placed me in a position within a Christian based company where I would have the opportunity to speak to women and share Him with others on a fairly regular basis. For the last two years, God used this position to teach me, to build my confidence immensely and to restore my faith in friendships and others and to even restore some damaged relationships. I changed so much over these two years that you can actually see the confidence change from the outside in just pictures.

2012

2014

I want you to look at the selfie pictures. Obviously my hair is different, but ignore that for a minute and look at the eyes and the smile; can you see the confidence change? I know I sure can!

Recently, I felt the winds of change again and have felt a need to take the next step in this incredible journey. I am still clueless about where this will end up or what I am supposed to do, but I am taking one step at a time. Mom suggested that I begin writing again. So, the other night I was awake and thoughts about what I should write were swirling in my head. The next day, I wrote my last blog post. Within three days, over 1100 people have viewed that one post! That is incredible and a little crazy to me! God is such an amazing interpreter that he took my simple words and made them something that others relate to and that spoke to them! So that is where I am right now. I would love someday to teach and speak to women about what I've learned over the years with my walk with God. I am still no Beth Moore! Someday I hope to meet her face-to-face to tell her thank you for being obedient to his call.

This post is a little different than the others as it is more just my story, but I hope that it encourages you to know that even in the craziness of all those dark times, God was teaching and molding me and giving me things that someday may come out in a post that will speak to someone I don't even know. When you know God has told you to do something and you have no clue how to even begin, just do something; just take a baby step. I love the saying that often we can't see the whole staircase, but God just wants us to take the first step! It is so true. If I had not stepped out and asked my mom to go with me so I didn't have to go by myself to the Esther study; if I had not responded to God's urging that night; if I had not started to write a blog two years ago; if I had not said 'yes' to an opportunity in a company at a time when one extra thing seemed impossible to add to my plate; if I had not listened to my mom and written that last blog...If I hadn't, make no mistake, He would have found someone who would have and I would have missed out on a period of growth, friends, love, confidence, blessings and preparation for the next step. Don't miss out! He wants to use YOU! If you refuse, he will use somebody because the ultimate goal is to expand his kingdom, but oh my gosh....it could be YOU!

Esther 4:14 " for if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?" 

On a sidenote: The verse above has been my guiding verse for the last two solid years. The company I spoke of allowed me to lead a team of women and I used this verse as our team verse. I called our team the "Royal Beauties". More than once, God showed up in the details and gave me the assurance that it was all His plan. I even recalled at one point that my name, Stephanie, means "Crowned One." How cool for God to show me that this is more than just "right now", but that it is past, present and future and he sees it all at once.


Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed