Lessons from Autumn

My family has always loved animals and we have had at least one pet for as long as I can remember, usually more than one. For several years we have had two miniature dachshunds. Ginger is about 11 years old and Jacob is about 4 years old. In January this year, Trey and Kaitlyn came home with the newest member of our family. She was a beautiful, terrified, nameless six month-old puppy with the saddest eyes you have ever seen. For hours she sat in the same spot and shook while the four of us tried to make her feel safe and at home as we debated on the perfect name for her. We finally settled on the name Autumn based on her brindle coloring. I will say, the term "puppy" is a little deceptive though. Autumn is half lab and half Great Dane and at six months, her paw filled my palm! She was the biggest puppy we had ever had and made our little dogs seem even smaller!




We immediately fell in love with this gentle giant. It wasn't long that we realized that she had many fears and neuroses. It took us a couple of weeks to teach her to respond to her name and to assure her that she need not cower when we would reach to pet her. She is now a little over a year old, and probably around 70 pounds, maybe more. She is such a great addition to our family and best friends with our little dachshund, Jacob. For the most part, we have worked through her fears, although some surface occasionally. She is afraid of loud sounds like the lawn mower, the vacuum or when you shake out a trash bag. She also takes a little longer to warm up to men or loud children than women. Usually with her fears, she tries to get into one of our laps or hide behind us. Just this week, a street sweeper drove down our road and she blind-sided me trying to get into a "safe" place away from the frightening sound.



There is one fear we have been working on since we first brought Autumn home: her fear of going out through the front door and walking on a leash. Now I know you are thinking that we should be glad she won't go out the front door, but this is much more than simply not going out the door. For the first five months, she would not even go near the front door if it was open and would have a complete panic attack if we carried her out to the front yard! She loves going out in the backyard and playing with our other dogs, doing normal dog things. (they play tag with the squirrels quite a bit.), but the front yard made her breathe harder, cower, whine and even get sick! Finally, Kaitlyn coaxed her out to the steps one day and then we worked our way out to the yard. We continue to work on this and she has even become more comfortable in the front yard, but she will not stay for long and has a meltdown if we shut the door preventing her from running back inside.

 

The frustrating thing for us about this particular fear is that we want to take her on walks with us. She wears a collar just fine. We even got her a harness that she seems to like. Now that we have convinced her to go outside, we thought maybe we could get her to walk two houses down to our friend's house and then back. (We are trying little successes at a time; baby steps.) It did not take long to realize the walk was not going to happen. She would drag the leash around without any problem, but the instant she felt resistance because Trey or I was holding the leash, she became the most out-of-control panicked animal with a wild, terrorized look in her eyes. Now I want you to picture this: a 70 pound dog doing the crocodile death roll in our front yard to try to get away from the dreaded leash that is attached to her collar at the nape of her neck! She rolled so fast and so forcefully that Trey literally had to tackle her and hold her down to keep her from choking herself! Luckily he had dropped his end of the leash fairly quickly or it might have even severed his hand! The leash was so tightly wound around her body and neck that it took both of us working to get it off of her while holding her still without hurting her. The minute she felt free and saw the door opened, she made a dash for the safety of the living room. It almost brought me to tears to see how terrified she was of that leash.

I was thinking about her irrational fear the other night and was struck by the most amazing question: I wonder how often God feels the same frustration with me?

Let that sink in just a moment and think about it with this perspective:

 All we want to do is to enjoy a walk with Autumn; to spend some quality time with her in the world. We love our dog. We want her to be protected from injury or from being lost to us so in our love for our dog, we need her to be on a leash to enjoy walking together. We also want to be sure she doesn't go to places where she could get into trouble. The leash is a method of discipline, a guide to help her know the boundaries that are best for her. Even if she did walk on the leash, it would never be used as punishment. If she wanted to pull it out of our hands, she is definitely strong enough to do so. Of course so far, she has yet to understand these concepts and doesn't connect and trust our love for her enough yet to overcome her fears of the leash with obedience.If she ever does, I think she will really enjoy the walk with us.

What an amazing parallel to our Savior! How many times is He trying to help us out by giving us the proper harness or leash to connect us to His hand and we begin the proverbial crocodile death roll? Even more personally, how many times has God had to "tackle" me to the ground to get my attention and then carefully try to help me untangle the mess I've made? We must be connected to God in order to walk with Him. We need His protection to walk out in this world, and with that protection we can enjoy the walk and see things we have never seen before, and yet we continue to roll; we continue to panic. At least I know I have done my own version of the death roll. Succumbing to the tight grip of fear about what in the world God is trying to do to me when in actuality He is trying to do something through me instead.  It's as though I do not trust Him at all! My mind races, questioning : "What kind of protection is this 'leash' He is placing on me?" I even fall victim to the whining and irrational behavior, and I have known God's love for a lot longer than Autumn has known ours. Not to mention, how much more does God love me than I love my dog? I wonder does His heart break when He sees how terrified I am to truly walk with Him in obedience?

Exodus 33:13 (NIV)
If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

As I thought this all over, it made me shake my head in astonishment that God never gives up on me. That what I view as a punishment so often is more of a hand of protection or simply loving guidance. The biggest realization is that I am falling short of doing my part to make the walk what it was meant to be. I know I do not read His word enough. I know I do not talk to Him enough. I know I do not praise Him enough. I know I do not share Him enough. 

I have to do my part if I want the walk. I also have to get out the front door at some point and yes, even off of the steps! I have to trust that God's ways are best even if I do not understand them and then I must act on that trust; running back to my safe zone just won't cut it. I want an obedient walk with my Master.
 Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

So I am working to memorize more of the Word. I am definitely stepping out of my comfort zone by writing this blog. (I don't know if you know this, but I teach Algebra, not English, so writing is just something I enjoy doing.) I am also trying to view circumstances in my life in a different, less fearful way. I have added the three verses from this post to my memorization list for the week. I pray that I have found favor in my Savior's eyes and that He will teach me His ways so that I may walk with Him and by all means that my paths will be straight!

In our neighborhood, lots of people walk their dogs successfully. I do not know all their names or the names of their dogs, but if a dog ever wandered into my yard, I would probably know to whom it belonged. The little white poodle belongs to the grandmother across the street. The friendly galloping Wiemaraner belongs to the young couple down the street with three little boys. The old, calm blue heeler belongs to little elderly man who walks with a cane. The German shepherd belongs to the young mother with the red stroller and little boy. You see, I recognize characteristics of the owners or masters and I recognize the dogs. Again, what a wonderful parallel! I can only hope that as I walk through this life, the hand of my Master guiding me is so evident that even those who do not know Him and do not know me would know to whom I belong.

Psalm 25:4 (NIV)

⁴ Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths. 

Thank you Lord for never giving up on me! Thank you for loving me enough to discipline me in a way to protect me and to allow me to become closer to you! Your consistent love and faithfulness never ceases to amaze me! Thank you for granting me insight to you through the animal you have entrusted to my care. Help me to remember to look for you in everyday moments as much as in the miracles. Thank you again for loving your children more than we could ever comprehend.   Amen

We are still working with our beloved Autumn to overcome her fear of the leash, or of walking on the leash, or whatever her fear actually is. We hope that by continuing to show her our love and a safe and consistent environment, she will learn to trust us even in a situation that causes her such terror. We have not been successful yet, but we are never going to give up. Hopefully someday soon I can post a photo of Autumn walking with us!

Blessed more than I deserve,

        ~Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Who knows...

With the overwhelming response of my last post, I thought maybe it would be good to write a post just telling you why I started this because it is truly a story of God working in my life for His greater good.

We have to go back several years to get the whole picture, well at least the whole picture up until now. (who knows what is in store!)

Many years ago, our family was in such a great place. God had blessed us with an amazing home that I had only dreamed of, I had finished college and was teaching (which I had wanted to do for a long time) and Trey was with a fire department and truly loved what he did; it was more who he was than what he did. In February that year, Trey was honored for his hard work and dedication. In April, things changed completely and quickly. A series of events, decisions and actions (some in our control and most out of our control), led to what felt like a deep spiral of loss, despair and hurt.

Trey lost his job, and with it, a large part of his identity. In the next two years, we lost our house to foreclosure, our only reliable vehicle, and even more devastating,  many relationships. Some of those relationships just simply walked away and some just didn't know how to handle all the bad so they just faded into the background. (after being hurt several times, I will say we also probably withdrew out of fear, creating more isolation)  We were under the heavy blanket of waiting to find what was going to happen next and we were hurting to the core. To make matters worse, we felt isolated, and confused and almost violated as much of what we were going through was undeserved and unfair. We cashed in Trey's retirement and praying, felt led to start a bakery/deli called Five Loaves Bakery and Deli. We had never owned our own business and were so clueless about what we were doing, that despite our strong opening months, unfortunately the bakery also went under and with it, the $75,000 we had invested. ( and the last money we had to live on) At that point, there were very few people left in our cheering section, and we were succumbing to self pity and devastation. We sort of circled the wagons around our little family and did our best to hang on tight to God's promises and teach the girls about faith and perseverance in action. Eventually, after 2 years without, Trey finally found a full-time job and things started improving little by little.

Blessings did happen throughout those years; God never failed us. When the house was foreclosed, we had nowhere to live, but God provided a sweet little house that would allow our pets at a price we could afford through a couple we knew at church. We started just going through the daily motions and trying to put the awful last few years behind us. The problem is that there is so much residue left from those years. I personally had lost a lot of faith in people (especially those closest to us) and in systems designed to protect people. I had a lot of trust issues. On the flip side, I also saw the goodness of people, usually who barely knew us, in how they stepped up and gave our children Christmas that year or helped buy us groceries. It was an internal conundrum, a battle of wills to see whether I would stay in a protected environment or put myself out there again for relationships to flourish.

Knowing God's design is not for us to be alone, but not really having a group of friends any longer, I felt the need to connect. I asked my mom to go with me to a ladies' Bible study at our church. It was a Beth Moore study of Esther. It changed the course of my life. I was quickly drawn to Beth with her intensity and attention to details in the scriptures. She is beautiful, funny, knowledgeable, and inspiring. In these studies, we would discuss our homework and then watch an hour long video of Beth talking/teaching. One Wednesday night, after teaching Algebra all day, I attended the study with Mom. I wasn't really part of the discussion at the beginning, as my mind was elsewhere. When the video started, of course I focused.  Then something really strange happened. As I stared at the TV screen, it was like Beth's mouth was moving but no sound was coming out- as if someone had hit the mute button. All I saw was Beth on the screen teaching, and all I heard was God clearly saying, "You are supposed to be doing this." Immediately, I argued. If someone could have recorded my thoughts that night it would have been something like : "Are you crazy, God? I am NOT Beth Moore! She is adorable, fashionable, knows your Word inside and out. She is so full of energy and speaks to people so well! I can't even keep a best friend! You've got the wrong girl, God!" and he would just respond "You are supposed to be doing this." I spent the entire hour trying to convince God that he had the wrong brain. That somehow he accidentally opened the wrong mind and spoke; maybe he meant the girl in front of me or something. Honestly this is the only time so far in my life I have audibly heard him speak to me and his words never changed, "You are supposed to be doing this." As soon as the video ended, I was teary-eyed and very emotional despite not hearing anything Beth said (which I am sure was amazing and am a little sad I missed it). I just sat there kind of dumb-founded for a few minutes and looked up and mom was watching me with that motherly look. I said to her, "I just think that I am supposed to be doing this; talking and speaking into women's lives." Can you believe, she looked me straight in the eye and said, " I know. Me too." What??? Now granted, my mom has a condition that affects her hearing, so maybe she didn't understand what I said, but she answered what God wanted her to answer. I am not sure if she meant that she was supposed to also or if she agreed and felt that God was leading me to it, but I was, well, astonished. I had a LOT to process that night and the weeks to come.

So once I came to grips with the idea that God wanted me to speak, teach or something to women for His glory, I just felt this need to do something but had no clue even where to start. That is where this blog began. I had seen blogs of all kinds and thought it couldn't be that big of a deal and that if I just shared it with people I knew then that would be a start, right? Amazingly, setting up the blog was easy and then God gave me a lesson to share. I spent a couple of hours typing and revising a voila! I had my first blog post: "Perhaps." I then wrote once a week for four weeks. Every post had about 50 views which was really cool, but didn't seem to be whatever it was God wanted from me. Then He placed me in a position within a Christian based company where I would have the opportunity to speak to women and share Him with others on a fairly regular basis. For the last two years, God used this position to teach me, to build my confidence immensely and to restore my faith in friendships and others and to even restore some damaged relationships. I changed so much over these two years that you can actually see the confidence change from the outside in just pictures.

2012

2014

I want you to look at the selfie pictures. Obviously my hair is different, but ignore that for a minute and look at the eyes and the smile; can you see the confidence change? I know I sure can!

Recently, I felt the winds of change again and have felt a need to take the next step in this incredible journey. I am still clueless about where this will end up or what I am supposed to do, but I am taking one step at a time. Mom suggested that I begin writing again. So, the other night I was awake and thoughts about what I should write were swirling in my head. The next day, I wrote my last blog post. Within three days, over 1100 people have viewed that one post! That is incredible and a little crazy to me! God is such an amazing interpreter that he took my simple words and made them something that others relate to and that spoke to them! So that is where I am right now. I would love someday to teach and speak to women about what I've learned over the years with my walk with God. I am still no Beth Moore! Someday I hope to meet her face-to-face to tell her thank you for being obedient to his call.

This post is a little different than the others as it is more just my story, but I hope that it encourages you to know that even in the craziness of all those dark times, God was teaching and molding me and giving me things that someday may come out in a post that will speak to someone I don't even know. When you know God has told you to do something and you have no clue how to even begin, just do something; just take a baby step. I love the saying that often we can't see the whole staircase, but God just wants us to take the first step! It is so true. If I had not stepped out and asked my mom to go with me so I didn't have to go by myself to the Esther study; if I had not responded to God's urging that night; if I had not started to write a blog two years ago; if I had not said 'yes' to an opportunity in a company at a time when one extra thing seemed impossible to add to my plate; if I had not listened to my mom and written that last blog...If I hadn't, make no mistake, He would have found someone who would have and I would have missed out on a period of growth, friends, love, confidence, blessings and preparation for the next step. Don't miss out! He wants to use YOU! If you refuse, he will use somebody because the ultimate goal is to expand his kingdom, but oh my gosh....it could be YOU!

Esther 4:14 " for if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?" 

On a sidenote: The verse above has been my guiding verse for the last two solid years. The company I spoke of allowed me to lead a team of women and I used this verse as our team verse. I called our team the "Royal Beauties". More than once, God showed up in the details and gave me the assurance that it was all His plan. I even recalled at one point that my name, Stephanie, means "Crowned One." How cool for God to show me that this is more than just "right now", but that it is past, present and future and he sees it all at once.


Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed