The Awakening

The other night I awoke with a start around 3 am, and sat up on the edge of the bed. As I was sitting there, trying to get my bearings, something slapped across my thigh, feeling heavy and cold, but unrecognizable. It took me a little while to realize it was my own arm! It was basically paralyzed. Apparently the way I had been laying had cut off the circulation to the brachial artery and my arm was completely numb from about mid-triceps down - so numb that I could not even tell I was touching my own leg! I tried to move my hand (and thought I was moving it) but it really was not responding at all. So I sat there for a few minutes, wanting a drink of water, but not sure whether to just go back to sleep and forget it or try to revive my right arm.

And then I felt it! Oh my goodness, the sharp, stinging of a million needles all at once centered around my wrist as I had moved my leg and my wrist had bumped it. Suddenly, I just wanted to hold my arm as still as possible to avoid the inevitable pain that was coming. As I sat there, needing to get up, but not wanting to move, I was faced with the decision to just wait for feeling to return to my arm, help it along to get it over with, or just hold it as still as possible and hope I could go back to sleep. I opted for the "rip the band aid off" approach.

I started using my left hand to move my right arm. (which in itself is very awkward) Oh my goodness the pain that ensued! You would think having two children, I wouldn't be such a wimp, but there is something excruciating about those moments when feeling returns to a limb that is asleep, if you know what I mean. I could literally feel the blood start pumping through my arm and as it traveled down my arm, leaving in its wake razor-sharp needle stabs of pain. I needed to get it over with, so I began shaking my arm like crazy. Good thing my husband is such a deep sleeper, because he probably would have thought I was being attacked by a squirrel or something, the way I was sitting there shaking out my arm! I shook and twisted and banged my arm against my leg or other arm all the while taking gasps of breath from the crazy shooting pains.

It had to be at least 15 minutes of lots of pain and writhing before it finally started to subside into a dull ache.(okay, maybe it was just 5 minutes but it sure felt longer!) At that point,  I started making a fist repeatedly to get my fingers to work again by pumping blood back into them (like they do when you give blood). Gradually my hand did not seem like it was a swollen, useless mess, but felt more normal.  I sat there recovering for a minute, almost scared to move. I think I was afraid it secretly was asleep again and if I moved, it would all start over again. Eventually, I got up, grabbed a drink of water using my newly revived right hand, and headed back to bed. As I laid down, (very carefully to be sure my arm was not tucked under me this time), a thought struck me about how similar this silly event was to where I had been spiritually lately. God ever-so-gently gave me a nudge to write again for the first time in quite a while. 

You see I love God and I love getting to know all about Him. I've known Him for a long time as my personal Savior, but I am not sure I treasured the relationship for a long time. In my Spiritual walk, I have had the many ups and downs; obvious hills and valleys of life. There have been times when I have been so close to God that I felt his breath over me and there have been times that I have moved away from Him to do my own thing (always to come running back). There have even been times where I longed to feel His presence but instead I just felt lost and confused and it took a while for me to find Him in the midst of the mess. But lately, for the last few months, I have just sort of been dull; not really close to Him, not really moving away from Him. I have been involved in a regular Bible study but have not really been pouring myself into it. I am still serving at my church and attending regularly, but mostly because that is just what I do; what I've always done. What I have not been is very connected to the relationship that I know is a vital part of my life. It is as though I have been asleep; maybe a bit numb, even possibly starting to be cut-off from the main artery.  I am not sure if you can relate at all, but I am hoping I am not the only one out there. I haven't been terrible or doing anything I would consider to be detrimental, but on the flip side, I have not been doing anything helpful or working toward building my relationship with Christ. 

Here is where God enlightened me to the connection. If we stay disconnected for any length of time, we become numb, almost paralyzed, to His work in our lives and the lives around us. It may not even be intentional. I did not set out to lay in such a way that my arm would fall asleep, but I did happen to be in a certain position and did not move from that spot, or wake up before it was numb. He cannot use a numb/ paralyzed Christ follower like He longs to do. He loves us and wants to be able to use us for the work we are designed to do, therefore He must "wake" us up! 

Trust me, an awakening is not always pleasant! In fact it is often full of sharp pains and stabs of conviction. He will use circumstances, people or whatever is around us to make staying still in our paralyzed state more painful and uncomfortable than the alternative; He wants it to be impossible for us to stay in that numb state.  Sometimes, God will even shake us violently and what seems to be uncontrollably in order to get the blood flowing again...the saving, precious blood that was given freely for our sins by His Son! 

In the midst of that awakening, I can honestly say I have wanted to cry out in pain. There have been times that I felt like the twists and turns, frustrations and disappointments, were so overwhelming that I thought things would never be "normal" again. And then the awful sharp pains gave way to a dull ache as He began to clench His fist tightly around my heart to get the blood flowing again. Before I know it, all becomes right again and I am ready to be used for the work He has specially designed just for me! I just have to be careful not to "lie down" in the same way as before and become numb to His will in my life. 

That night, I knew God was telling me that I had better move myself before it got to the point that He needed to shake me awake. I smile now thinking of the image of me flopping around while God shakes the blood back into me. I know God has big plans to use me for His Kingdom. I don't know what those are, but I know I can't become dull, numb and disconnected, or I will miss opportunities to be closer to Him and to be used by Him. 

Romans 13: 

11 Do this, knowing the time, that it is already the hour for you to awaken from sleep; for now [g]salvation is nearer to us than when we believed. 12 The night is almost gone, and the day is near. 

and 

II Corinthians 4:

 7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;

It is the hour for us to awaken from sleep through the power of God! I am excited to see how God uses His power to further His Kingdom and how He generously allows me to participate! All I need to do is stay "awake" and focus on my relationship with Him.

Blessed More Than I Deserve,

Stephanie

Lessons from Autumn

My family has always loved animals and we have had at least one pet for as long as I can remember, usually more than one. For several years we have had two miniature dachshunds. Ginger is about 11 years old and Jacob is about 4 years old. In January this year, Trey and Kaitlyn came home with the newest member of our family. She was a beautiful, terrified, nameless six month-old puppy with the saddest eyes you have ever seen. For hours she sat in the same spot and shook while the four of us tried to make her feel safe and at home as we debated on the perfect name for her. We finally settled on the name Autumn based on her brindle coloring. I will say, the term "puppy" is a little deceptive though. Autumn is half lab and half Great Dane and at six months, her paw filled my palm! She was the biggest puppy we had ever had and made our little dogs seem even smaller!




We immediately fell in love with this gentle giant. It wasn't long that we realized that she had many fears and neuroses. It took us a couple of weeks to teach her to respond to her name and to assure her that she need not cower when we would reach to pet her. She is now a little over a year old, and probably around 70 pounds, maybe more. She is such a great addition to our family and best friends with our little dachshund, Jacob. For the most part, we have worked through her fears, although some surface occasionally. She is afraid of loud sounds like the lawn mower, the vacuum or when you shake out a trash bag. She also takes a little longer to warm up to men or loud children than women. Usually with her fears, she tries to get into one of our laps or hide behind us. Just this week, a street sweeper drove down our road and she blind-sided me trying to get into a "safe" place away from the frightening sound.



There is one fear we have been working on since we first brought Autumn home: her fear of going out through the front door and walking on a leash. Now I know you are thinking that we should be glad she won't go out the front door, but this is much more than simply not going out the door. For the first five months, she would not even go near the front door if it was open and would have a complete panic attack if we carried her out to the front yard! She loves going out in the backyard and playing with our other dogs, doing normal dog things. (they play tag with the squirrels quite a bit.), but the front yard made her breathe harder, cower, whine and even get sick! Finally, Kaitlyn coaxed her out to the steps one day and then we worked our way out to the yard. We continue to work on this and she has even become more comfortable in the front yard, but she will not stay for long and has a meltdown if we shut the door preventing her from running back inside.

 

The frustrating thing for us about this particular fear is that we want to take her on walks with us. She wears a collar just fine. We even got her a harness that she seems to like. Now that we have convinced her to go outside, we thought maybe we could get her to walk two houses down to our friend's house and then back. (We are trying little successes at a time; baby steps.) It did not take long to realize the walk was not going to happen. She would drag the leash around without any problem, but the instant she felt resistance because Trey or I was holding the leash, she became the most out-of-control panicked animal with a wild, terrorized look in her eyes. Now I want you to picture this: a 70 pound dog doing the crocodile death roll in our front yard to try to get away from the dreaded leash that is attached to her collar at the nape of her neck! She rolled so fast and so forcefully that Trey literally had to tackle her and hold her down to keep her from choking herself! Luckily he had dropped his end of the leash fairly quickly or it might have even severed his hand! The leash was so tightly wound around her body and neck that it took both of us working to get it off of her while holding her still without hurting her. The minute she felt free and saw the door opened, she made a dash for the safety of the living room. It almost brought me to tears to see how terrified she was of that leash.

I was thinking about her irrational fear the other night and was struck by the most amazing question: I wonder how often God feels the same frustration with me?

Let that sink in just a moment and think about it with this perspective:

 All we want to do is to enjoy a walk with Autumn; to spend some quality time with her in the world. We love our dog. We want her to be protected from injury or from being lost to us so in our love for our dog, we need her to be on a leash to enjoy walking together. We also want to be sure she doesn't go to places where she could get into trouble. The leash is a method of discipline, a guide to help her know the boundaries that are best for her. Even if she did walk on the leash, it would never be used as punishment. If she wanted to pull it out of our hands, she is definitely strong enough to do so. Of course so far, she has yet to understand these concepts and doesn't connect and trust our love for her enough yet to overcome her fears of the leash with obedience.If she ever does, I think she will really enjoy the walk with us.

What an amazing parallel to our Savior! How many times is He trying to help us out by giving us the proper harness or leash to connect us to His hand and we begin the proverbial crocodile death roll? Even more personally, how many times has God had to "tackle" me to the ground to get my attention and then carefully try to help me untangle the mess I've made? We must be connected to God in order to walk with Him. We need His protection to walk out in this world, and with that protection we can enjoy the walk and see things we have never seen before, and yet we continue to roll; we continue to panic. At least I know I have done my own version of the death roll. Succumbing to the tight grip of fear about what in the world God is trying to do to me when in actuality He is trying to do something through me instead.  It's as though I do not trust Him at all! My mind races, questioning : "What kind of protection is this 'leash' He is placing on me?" I even fall victim to the whining and irrational behavior, and I have known God's love for a lot longer than Autumn has known ours. Not to mention, how much more does God love me than I love my dog? I wonder does His heart break when He sees how terrified I am to truly walk with Him in obedience?

Exodus 33:13 (NIV)
If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

As I thought this all over, it made me shake my head in astonishment that God never gives up on me. That what I view as a punishment so often is more of a hand of protection or simply loving guidance. The biggest realization is that I am falling short of doing my part to make the walk what it was meant to be. I know I do not read His word enough. I know I do not talk to Him enough. I know I do not praise Him enough. I know I do not share Him enough. 

I have to do my part if I want the walk. I also have to get out the front door at some point and yes, even off of the steps! I have to trust that God's ways are best even if I do not understand them and then I must act on that trust; running back to my safe zone just won't cut it. I want an obedient walk with my Master.
 Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

So I am working to memorize more of the Word. I am definitely stepping out of my comfort zone by writing this blog. (I don't know if you know this, but I teach Algebra, not English, so writing is just something I enjoy doing.) I am also trying to view circumstances in my life in a different, less fearful way. I have added the three verses from this post to my memorization list for the week. I pray that I have found favor in my Savior's eyes and that He will teach me His ways so that I may walk with Him and by all means that my paths will be straight!

In our neighborhood, lots of people walk their dogs successfully. I do not know all their names or the names of their dogs, but if a dog ever wandered into my yard, I would probably know to whom it belonged. The little white poodle belongs to the grandmother across the street. The friendly galloping Wiemaraner belongs to the young couple down the street with three little boys. The old, calm blue heeler belongs to little elderly man who walks with a cane. The German shepherd belongs to the young mother with the red stroller and little boy. You see, I recognize characteristics of the owners or masters and I recognize the dogs. Again, what a wonderful parallel! I can only hope that as I walk through this life, the hand of my Master guiding me is so evident that even those who do not know Him and do not know me would know to whom I belong.

Psalm 25:4 (NIV)

⁴ Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths. 

Thank you Lord for never giving up on me! Thank you for loving me enough to discipline me in a way to protect me and to allow me to become closer to you! Your consistent love and faithfulness never ceases to amaze me! Thank you for granting me insight to you through the animal you have entrusted to my care. Help me to remember to look for you in everyday moments as much as in the miracles. Thank you again for loving your children more than we could ever comprehend.   Amen

We are still working with our beloved Autumn to overcome her fear of the leash, or of walking on the leash, or whatever her fear actually is. We hope that by continuing to show her our love and a safe and consistent environment, she will learn to trust us even in a situation that causes her such terror. We have not been successful yet, but we are never going to give up. Hopefully someday soon I can post a photo of Autumn walking with us!

Blessed more than I deserve,

        ~Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

When the door opens..or cracks a little

Seinfeld was in my opinion, one of the great comedic television shows of the 90's. My favorite part of the show was always how Kramer always made his entrance: the door flings open and he slides in looking all disheveled and the rest of the cast is always surprised to see him. Here is a little 10 second clip about what I am talking about for those of you who never saw an episode (notice the brick phone hahaha!)

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjgdTgdgDD4

I was thinking about how great an entrance Kramer made over and over again on that show last night while I was thinking about my blog post about the hallways of life. Wouldn't it be awesome if while we are sitting in the hallway, God just burst through the door and slid across the floor right to us and just stood there with one arm pointing so we knew exactly what to do? I guess occasionally He does open the door to the next step like that, but usually it is more of a crack and we have to make a move to push it all the way open. Just thinking about my some of reactions in times when God was ready for me to take the next step had me chuckling at how infantile I can be and yet also brought me shame for how I had treated my Savior. Praise God for His forgiveness and grace and that covers all my faults and missteps.

In my life, there have been times when more than one door has opened and I had to decide because God was pleased with either and could do His work regardless of which I chose. I don't know about you, but decisions stress me out. We are that family that gets in the car and Trey asks, "Where do y'all want to eat?"... silence... or maybe "I don't care." (knowing full well that if we choose a certain place it will be vetoed by the very person who doesn't care.) I will usually list a few options and then more silence. This is beyond frustrating to my poor husband who is stuck driving around town in circles until someone decides. Now granted, he doesn't decide either, so I guess he is part of the indecisive problem too. Eventually, we figure something out and go get something to eat. (we never go hungry that is for sure) Often the decision is made after someone gets fed up (no pun intended) and says "Just pick a place so I know where you need me to go!" God, I am certain, has felt that same way about me before. I can hear Him saying "Just pick one!" Why in the world does it always have to be so complicated for me?

There are other times, however (and more often), where there is not a choice between doors, but a choice to move or stay. You see so often, we get comfortable and convince ourselves that the hallway of life is the best place to be; the safest place. While I cannot argue that it is a safety zone, I can tell you that the "best" is not in that hallway. You see while we are waiting, God is getting things ready for us. He is preparing the way, setting the stage for us to step out of our comfort zone and impact His kingdom for eternity. Most people, including myself,  tend to like things that stay the same. Did you know that the word "stay" and "stagnant" are based from the same root? Stagnant: characterized by lack of development, advancement or progressive movement. Not a great thing to be and yet often we make a conscious choice to remain in the hallway; stagnant. 

Sometimes when we just won't move, God will force the move on us, kicking and screaming even. You know I am a bit of a story-teller, and thinking about that image reminded me of one of those parenting moments when I wish I could become invisible. I was at HEB ( a local grocery store) with the girls, then 8 and 4. Kaitlyn was supposed to go to her friend's house that day but we had not yet been able to reach them. As we were shopping, we ran into her friend, Caity and her mom Donna. Since we were both there, Kaitlyn just decided to hang out with them and go to their house from the store. Now, Amanda was enamored with Caity at that time and wanted to always do everything her big sister did, much to the irritation of my oldest. I explained that Kaitlyn was going to hang out with Caity but left out the part about her going home with her. We finished up our shopping and got into line. Here is where things got out of hand. Amanda figured out pretty quickly that her sister was not joining us and asked why. When I answered her, it was like I had unleashed a mighty monster in the small form of my 4 year old daughter! She began jumping up and down in the basket, screaming and crying that she wanted to go too! I was stuck in the middle of about three or four shoppers in the line for the number 3 register (yes I remember the number) and my mind was racing about how to deescalate the situation. Well, let's just say, Amanda is extremely strong-willed, and there would be no deescalation going on as long as she was not going to Caity's house. All eyes were on me in our small-town grocery store, and there were a lot of them! SO I sheepishly looked at the cashier, told her that I was sorry, picked my screaming, kicking, wailing daughter up like I was carrying a large sack of dog food and left my basket, all our groceries and walked out, feeling the eyes of disgrace as a mom follow me all the way out. I was mortified. I was also pretty angry. We got out side and Amanda (who is being held by her waist at my waist and is face-down) had calmed down to just tears, and less of a show. I sat her on her feet, still grasping tightly to my intense child. I looked at her and said, "Now, I will let you walk if you will hold my hand, but there are cars and you cannot let go because it is not safe." She nodded her agreement, so I grabbed her tiny clenched fist and took a step. Well, I am not sure if I was not speaking her language, but apparently she heard me say "dart out in front of the first car you see. I am your evil mother and you need to break free of my grasp!" because she immediately jerked away and started for the edge of the sidewalk! I hastily ran to her and snatched her back into the dog food position and she commenced to screaming and kicking again. Now not only were the eyes of the entire store on me, but the eyes of the entire parking lot as well. I luckily parked close to the entrance, so I made it to the car and opened the front driver's seat and sat her down. I had to block the door because she was intent on finding Caity and ditching me as quickly as possible. I told her to climb in the back and buckle up. (I drove a minivan and the handle of the sliding door had come off in my hand a few weeks prior, so she was used to climbing through and getting into her booster seat and buckling up.) Can you believe this little angel of mine, who had stopped screaming and was eerily calm, looked and me and said defiantly, "NO!" I was stunned. I thought we were past the temper tantrum, through with the humiliation, and here I stood, a full-grown woman who could not even get into her own car because her four-year-old refused to move! She smiled and said, "I'm not moving unless I get to go to Caity's!" So for the next several minutes we "talked", we discussed punishments and discipline for her actions, we might have even issued a few right there with everyone watching, and eventually she did as she was told and we made it home with nothing to show for our trip except one less child and a worn out mom. 

Kaitlyn and Caity (Ages 3 and 4)

Kaitlyn and Amanda (Ages 8 and 4)

I tell you this story, first of all hoping you do not judge my parenting too badly based on the actions of my child of four. (She has made it all the way to 15 now and is a beautiful, still very strong-willed, child.) I tell it hoping to paint a picture of how I know I have acted to God when He has a plan for me to do something and I just do not want to do it. Maybe I want the same plan as _____ (fill in the blank) and I pitch a fit because that seems like the perfect plan for me! Wow, do I look like an ungrateful toddler who is pitching the fit of all fits to our God? Are people looking at my Lord with disdain because of my fit-throwing, my tantrum, my lack of respect for my father in heaven? Am I like a stubborn four-year-old who refuses to budge? Unfortunately, too often, I have to say yes to every one of those questions. Even more unfortunate, God has to drag me out to where He wants me to be, often in an embarrassing position, and I am too wrapped up in my fit-throwing to notice that I could be putting myself in harm's way. I have had to beg forgiveness more than once for making my Father look bad because as His child, I acted just like this. So not only did I miss out on the blessing of walking into a new opportunity when God wanted me to, but I potentially harmed my witness in the process and made Him look bad for my actions! A lot like Jonah when he ran off, paid for a boat ride and tried to run from God! I think we often read or hear the story of Jonah and think 'he is just silly' or 'how can you run from God', when we too are so guilty of the same if not worse. 

Jonah 1:3 " But Jonah ran away from the Lord..."

Then there are those times when we are a little more passive about our defiance. No screaming, no kicking, no running into traffic, we just try to quietly say "no" or sneak our refusal in without making a scene. Indulge me for a minute with another fun story correlation from the files of parenting Amanda. 

This had to be close to the same time as the former recollection. Amanda was probably already five by now, and apparently had learned that tantrums will not reward her with her desired outcome. She was about to start school for the first time and in getting ready for kindergarten, we had purchased her supplies, and school clothes and organized her drawers and closets to make for easier mornings. Being the younger sister, Amanda had lots of extra clothes that were passed on from her sister, so she was ready. 

One day I was working around the house and noticed that Amanda had been mysteriously quiet. In my experience with her, quiet was not always a blessing, so I went to check on her. I walked into her room and saw her proudly standing with her closet bi-fold doors open wide and a neat stack of dresses laying across the foot of her bed. Not completely sure what was going on, I stepped closer and realized she was standing with her right hand behind her back. Mother's intuition (common sense) kicked in and I asked what she was hiding. Triumphantly, she brings her fist around to the front to show me the broad line permanent black marker missing the lid that was firmly grasped in her hand. Oh crap! With that, I closed the distance and hesitantly looked at the situation, carefully checking the closet doors and walls for my child's creative mark of the day. Eventually my eyes went to the stack of dresses. I was astonished! You know the mouth-open, silent, mind-spinning, astonished that you can't even think of what to say or do. I looked back and forth between her happy brown eyes and the top dress, a sweet white and sage dress that her sister had worn last Easter. She smiled, looked up and said sweetly, " I don't want to wear the dresses to school." You see, she had decided to make her mark by taking the marker (permanent marker) and across the front of at least 10-15 dresses she wrote two perfectly formed six inch letters:

NO

As I picked each dress up, my astonishment grew. I was angry, but at the same time I found it a little funny and had to suppress a chuckle as I was getting onto her for writing on her clothes. There were two dresses I was heartbroken over and I immediately told her to get the hairspray and worked to get out the thick black words. Amazingly, I did not react as poorly as I usually did and in a rare stroke of parenting genius, I handed down an impactful discipline; she wore them the first week of school "NO" and all. (sweet revenge) To this day though, I think she is proud that she took matters into her own hands with her fashion choices as a young kindergartener.

You see sometimes we try to sneak away and write "NO" across the beautifully cleaned and laid out plans God has for us. Not a blatant temper tantrum so much, but an assertion that we disagree with His choice. How ridiculous of us to think our choices are better than His! I think about when The Children of Israel were in the desert and Moses was supposed to lead them into the Promised Land, but he didn't want to follow God's plan and disobeyed God in front of all of them. The sealed his fate as the leader of the Isrealites; he died in the desert and they were led by Joshua instead. God meted out a discipline for Moses' blatant disobedience. OUCH...

 Numbers 20:12 "But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”

You see, God will sometimes throw the door open in an exciting  Kramer-like way making it easy to jump through the door. Sometimes He will allow us to chose between more than one opportunity. Then there are the times when we know what He wants, and we react in a negative way, either in a full-blown grocery-store tantrum or a more passive, quiet writing the word "NO". When our initial response is "no", God may drag us there, complete with discipline and lots of conversations, or God may find a Joshua to replace us and just let us stay in the hallway (or die in the desert) if that is really what we want. Wow, how scary is that? Similar to my last post, I urge you to step out in faith, trust that He is way smarter than we are and just go for it! God doesn't usually pick things that are solidly in our comfort zone because He wants you to see what He can do through you once you get out of the way. So here's to fewer HEB and permanent marker moments and to more deep breaths of trusting the One who breathed life into my being to know more than I! 

Proverbs 3:5-6 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Blessed more than I deserve

~Stephanie

srieper89@gmail.com

https://facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Organized Chaos: Can He Even See Me?

When Kaitlyn was in High School, she was part of our school's swim team. Her sophomore year was our first introduction to swim meets. If you have never attended one of these incredibly chaotic events, let me try to describe it from a parent's perspective.

First of all, swim season runs from about September to February so many of the meets are during cold weather. Kaitlyn of course rode to the meet on the team bus and Trey and I would travel the hour or more to the meet together, arriving with a couple hundred other parents and family. We were bundled up for the cold weather outside while walking up to the door of the natatorium. (until this point, I had no idea that an aqua center was called that) We would walk in, pay for our entry, and make our way to the pool viewing area. The moment we entered the pool area, my breath was taken away, not because of the awesome sight I beheld, but literally because I could not breathe! The air was heavy and hot, similar to a sauna or steam room and the chlorine in the air was so strong that it burned your eyes and nose. (Don't forget, we were wearing our winter coats, jeans and long-sleeved shirts, so, the un-layering quickly began!)

On top of the air restriction, the noise was deafening! There was always this weird echo effect, as though you were in a cave or something. Student swimmers would be walking all around the pool in their Speedos and racing suits (very awkward moments for a teacher that they all ran up to hug and say "Hi Mrs. Rieper!) and many of them had in their headphones. They all had this weird black marking on their forearm, like a tribal tattoo or something.


I am not exactly sure what each number means, but I know it was a cipher of their individual events. The noise level and crowds of people were always a little overwhelming. The "announcer" was about as audible as Charlie Brown's teacher, but somehow every time the loudspeaker squawked "Muah muah, muah mauh muah lane muah muah muah"  (usually followed by feedback squeals from the microphone) swimmers started shuffling around and lined up, ready for their race. It was and still is the most amazing example of organized chaos that I have ever witnessed. During the races, there would be cheering and coaching, and encouraging and splashing...oh my goodness it was loud in there!

As parents, we would be sitting, peering over the rails trying to catch a glimpse of our daughter. In the midst of all that chaos and craziness, it was like we had a built in homing device for our daughter and could spot her even when we were not sure what in the world is going on all around them. Often she looked exactly like the other girls around her, but there would always be something that told us that she was ours. Seeing her with her team, talking to friends always made me smile. She was in her one-piece racing suit and had waist-length hair wadded up under a rubber swim cap, but she was always so beautiful and we would just watch her. You see at a swim meet, she would have one, maybe two races that lasted less than just a few minutes each  (of the often 6-8 hour event) and were of course scattered within the other races, so we just sat there. Occasionally, we would watch another race or root for a former student that swam on her team, but more often, we spent time asking each other, "Where's Kaitlyn? When is her next race? I wonder if she is nervous. Do you think she saw us?" You see, the key here is that she is our daughter. We treasure her and her younger sister Amanda. They are precious and priceless to us. 

Similarly, I am God's precious daughter; priceless. He looks down from the balcony seats and the Bible says:

II Chronicles 16:9 "For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."

He is searching the whole earth to strongly support his children! What a promise! In the midst of all of our chaos, craziness and deafening noises, He is searching me (and you) out to support me! I am a precious daughter of God! That verse should give so much hope to anyone who feels like they are in the midst of chaotic times. God has his own version of the swim meet tattoo; He tattoos our hearts as his when we make him our Lord and Savior; master of our lives. He even gives us a manual to help decipher what the tattoo really means; it is up to us to take the time to read and figure it all out. One of my favorite verses is Joshua 1:8.

"Keep this Book of the Law (the Bible) always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."

Notice that our prosperity and success is directly related to the Word of God; what a challenge. I pray daily that God will give me a love for the scriptures so much that I would not want to put it down; that I would write them in my memory and in my heart. I pray that He would open my eyes and mind to teach me His ways and His words that I might live better for Him. Reading the Bible regularly has always been a struggle of mine and I want to be more disciplined in this area. Whatever the area for you is, ask God to place that desire in your heart to make it better; and not just a one-time desire, but a continual desire to be stretched and to grow. 

God is searching to and fro to see you and support you, his precious child, in the midst of the chaos.  I cling to this promise! Even in the chaos of my life, even when I can't see Him or feel Him, or feel like I must just blend in with everyone else around me, He sees me. He supports me. He is there to guide, comfort, love, and give me a prosperous life (on His terms.) Please don't mistake what I am saying for the "prosperity gospel." God's idea of a prosperous life may or may not include the things that we view as prosperous here on earth. May my heart be completely His and through that, may He make me prosperous for His glory and His Kingdom.

Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie

Let's Be Real- My Thoughts on Friendship

I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately, and I think we've been misled or somehow have clung to a fairytale idea of what "friends" are. For a long time, I have felt that I must be lacking or have something wrong with me because I will have a really close friend for awhile and then *poof* she's gone like Houdini. Or I will have several good friends, but no one that I would call my "best" friend. I have even said that I thought God did not want me to really have friends. (which is a ridiculous pity party on my part)

You see, we grew up believing that everyone has a best friend that will last them from 2nd grade to 92 and then some, but I just don't think that is actually how friendship works. Granted, there may be a very select few people who have one friend like I just described, but looking around, I think they are very few and far between. I think in our minds we have defined the word "friend" as someone who is loyal until they die (or we die first) in every aspect of our lives, who is always there for us, who treats us how we want to be treated and who loves us unconditionally. What a great person that describes! So great, however, that it is non-existent! There is truly only one friend like that, Jesus. The rest are mere imitators and some are not even trying to imitate.

We live in a world where friendship is a badge, and the popularity contest of junior high is on display daily on our social media sites. Facebook lists those who select to be included on your social media page as your "friends." I would venture to say that in this aspect, Twitter and Instagram got this one more correct than Facebook by labeling these people "followers." Let's face it, (I hope this is not a shock to you), but Facebook, and social media in general, is NOT REAL LIFE! Those people are not your friends as much as they are your followers. Some may be your friends, but the majority of them are just your FB labeled "friends" who really just want to know and see what is going on in your life, or who just want to feel connected to others in general. Social media makes it easy to feel involved and connected as long as the light of the screen splashes across your face, but the minute you close that laptop or turn off your phone, that is when the loneliness of real life settles in and that is when real friends are important.

I think one thing social media has done that has hinders real friendships is what I call the Perfect Polly Phenomena. You probably already know exactly what I am talking about by the name, but let me elaborate. When we post on social media, we want people to see us at our best (because many are not our real friends), so we post full make-up and perfect angle selfies, we post the third cake we made that looks pretty because the first two fell apart, we post our kids in matching buffalo plaid and big red bows and smiles (not the snot and tear-stained face of the little girl who just wanted to wear a glitter tutu and red cowboy boots). We post encouraging updates, funny GIFs, humorous memes that poke fun of our own private hell we are going through, but are too scared to put it out there for everyone to see. There's a social stigma of being negative on social media so most people who are hurting will skirt around the issue using quotes or carefully worded statuses or memes and gifs or they ask for prayers, thoughts, and my personal annoyance "good vibes" as a way of begging someone to be a real friend to them in a really tough time, without outright begging. Often these are met with "praying" listed about 25 times and one or two people adding, "do you need anything?" I wonder though, how many truly follow up with prayers, or better yet, actions? I am guilty of this myself, on both ends of the spectrum. I have been the status poster and I have been the commenter, and I would venture to say that friendships are neither created nor strengthened by either. The person needing friendship may feel better momentarily, and then the screen light fades; it just doesn't last.

Another thing that prohibits the fairy tale friendship idea is that being in a friendship is purely a continual choice. Unlike marriage, there is no legal binding contract for friendship and a person can enter into a friendship with a decision and just as easily leave a friendship; there is no real process required. If you want to have a friendship that lasts until you turn 100, my thinking is that it would have to be treated almost like a marriage. Both people would have to have an understanding or thinking that neither would ever be able to walk away, even when and if they wanted to. Which in our world of social media friends and the "unfriending" being as simple as a click of a button, this type of rare understanding will likely become even more unheard of.

So here are my thoughts on what friendship really is, take it or leave it. I don't think most friendship is designed or intended to be a forever thing; that whole Best Friends Forever stuff, is very misleading! I think friends are for a time and sometimes that same friend is for different times or long times or short times. I have watched my two daughters grow up and even in elementary school, I watched as their circle of friends changed and evolved and some friendships died off, some faded and then rekindled in high school and some just flat out ended. Like me, there were times when they were devastated and clung to the erroneous idea that they would be friends forever. I think back over my life and see the same exact pattern. from elementary, to middle school, to high school, and throughout adulthood.

For way too long, I have blamed myself for not having a BFF. I have convinced myself and said out loud to others that I am just too awkward and not really friendship material to really have a BFF. What a load of hooey! (not sure how you spell that, but you get the idea) I have always been extremely close to my sister, and would say she is probably my best friend, but unlike other friendships, she doesn't have much of a choice; I am always going to be her sister. So that particular friendship, in my mind, didn't count the same. (I have come to realize how precious that friendship is and that not everyone who has a sibling has a friend like I am blessed to have.) I also discounted the friendship I have with my husband, because, "that's different." I even had a pastor say from the pulpit that "your spouse should not be your best friend." He was emphasizing the importance of relationships and friendships and connections with other believers, especially those of the same sex, but the statement made me feel even more inadequate in the friend department. My only two best friends, the only two I knew would be there for me forever, were my husband and my sister, which obviously were not appropriate best friends, so now what? Obviously I was defective in the friend department.

Don't get me wrong, I have had best friends, best girlfriends, even as an adult. These are women who were there for me in times of need, women I talked to often, women I enjoyed hanging out with, laughing with, telling all my dreams, fears and thoughts to. But every single one of those relationships has faded or ended or changed, every single one. And every time I felt that happen, I ached inside and felt a little bit less confident and a little more damaged as far as " friend material" goes. And I know I am not the only one because in the last few weeks, I have talked to several other women who feel the same. These are women I admire, women who are strong and beautiful and funny and kind. These are women who epitomize what others would want in friendship and they too are struggling, just like me!

Then I had a lightbulb moment, a paradigm shift as we say in the educational world: friendship is not necessarily a forever thing, in fact it is not usually a forever thing. Now I do not really like the cheesy, "Here for a season, reason or a lifetime" quote that you see all over facebook, but it has a bit of truth in it.  I think most friendships fall in the second category, they are for a reason. I believe God created friendship and the desire of our heart to be connected to others. He is the BFF, the only one who truly is able to live up to the fairy tale definition of a forever friend. He knows that we need physical and emotional connection here on Earth and so we have friends here. Unfortunately we are human and screw it up so much that forever friendships are nearly impossible. What is possible is for us to have very deep and connected relationships, but maybe we need to free ourselves from the idea that they are forever.

 I have good friends now. Although, I do not have anyone that I would say right now is my best friend that I love to hang out with (other than family),I do have good friends in different aspects of my life. I have great work friends that I love and talk to even outside of work, but our primary friendship is built around work. Many of us are in different seasons of parenting and marriage and work/teaching is our connecting factor, the reason for our friendship. That doesn't lessen the friendship and I know I could count on them for any number of things if I needed it, it just means that the connecting threads of that friendship would be strained if work was not strongly holding it together. I have had really close work friends in the past that when one of us left the workplace, the friendship intensity faded. My level of caring for them (and vice versa) did not fade, but we just did not see each other, have common things to discuss and lament or plan, and there is something to be said about being in close proximity with someone everyday for 8 hours or more a day. I still call them my friend, but we just are not as close. Some of them, I know we could pick up right where we left off, and some of them it would be really awkward. That is just how it is. It is not because I am not good enough or they are not good enough or anything like that.

I have friends in other aspects of my life too. Social media has connected me to people from high school that I was friends with (or maybe I wasn't, but they seem friendlier now), and there are people throughout my community that I would call friends. I am friends with my hairdresser ( she knows all my secrets), and friends with several cashiers at the grocery store and local department stores. As an educator, I run into former students and parents of current and former students fairly regularly and several of those I would count as a friend. There are friends of my mom that I also consider my friend, there are former employers, parents of my girls' friends, people I've met while speaking at events, and local business owners that I would all call friends. I wouldn't say any are my BFF, but I am blessed with many friends.

I have great church friends too. Church is something that I am intimately involved in and so it makes sense that I develop close relationships there. This one has had some serious ups and downs for me personally. Most recently, we left our longtime church of 37 years to go in a different direction of God's leading. He has given us a wonderful new church home, but we are starting completely over, especially in the friendship department. We attach all the spiritual connotations to things when we relate it to church and friendship is definitely one of those. We think our church friends should be different. They should never be the ones that betray us or hurt us, and yet that very mentality sets us up to be hurt more deeply. We forget they are human and sinful, just like we are, and therefore more than capable of hurting us. We hold them to a higher moral standard and we throw scripture out onto our facebook status about friends being closer than a brother or friends laying their life down as a show of real love. We tend to ignore the scripture about specks and logs in our own eyes and that we have all fallen short (all being the operative word here). I am not saying that we should mend every fallen friendship, trust me, some are better left alone, but I am saying that maybe we would not be quite as hurt if we remembered how flawed we all are. But back to my church friends, I am building up new ones. Like my work friends, these friends are all connected by seeing them regularly and having common goals, plans, thoughts, and interests.

I have many in my past that at one time or another I would have classified as my best friend, but we are now at a different friendship stage. There is my elementary best friend from Nebraska, Heidi. We played "Wonder Twins" on the playground, nearly every day and I remember fighting and not talking to one another, until the next day and then we were besties once again. Through the magic of FB, we have reconnected and although I won't say that we are at that Wonder Twin level any longer, I definitely would still say she is my friend. I have not seen her personally or heard her voice in 40 years probably, so I don't think we can classify the friendship as bff, but I do have a tender spot and great memories and we have talked online a lot and have a great connection still. Then I moved to Texas and at that time, schools in Fort Worth were still in desegregation with students being bused to schools around the city to help diversify them and we moved several times. I went to 5 different schools between 2nd grade and high school so my friends were changing often. I remember Lisa in 2nd grade and then Gila in 3rd. I remember a great group of friends in 5-8. I remember having school friends and softball friends and then friends at church because we went to church in a neighboring town. I even remember in high school having several different close friends, sometimes even dependent on which class I was in. There were college friends and then adult friends.

 As I have watched my girls grow, I have seen this same thing. They have had friends in each grade level that were different sometimes than the grade before. They even had different good friends from different classes in high school. Which all got me to thinking, maybe we have it set up all wrong in our mind. Maybe we are setting ourselves up for heartache when we should be looking at this differently. Now I am not talking about those friendships that end drastically with betrayal and intentional hurt- don't cry over those, keep walking. I am talking about those friendships that we lament because they are not the same as they used to be or they have just sort of faded out and even when we try it seems to just not really be the same. Those friendships, we need to celebrate. They were in our lives for a time and gave us memories and a connection that may or may not evolve back into the same friendship.

I think of the stories of the Bible. I am sure the Good Samaritan and the man he helped felt very close and like best friends for the short time that the story depicts. However, my guess is they did not really keep in touch or visit one another after that. There was no real fall out, the friendship was built around a need and meeting that need and once that was done, it faded out. Now if they saw each other again, my guess is that hugs and sweet greetings would happen and they would likely refer to one another as "friend" but they were not that fairy tale BFF like we have built up in our head. Even those that are mentioned as being friends had time periods (likely years) where they just were not as close. Go back and read about Jonathan and David or Paul and Mark; they had disagreements, they even chose different paths sometimes. and eventually the two names are not mentioned together like before. They would probably still refer to one another as "friend" but by all appearances, it is a different level of friendship than it once was.

 We need to learn to be confident in who we are. We are not the reason friendships change. Friendships change by design; friendships are not meant to be permanent. If friendships were forever and that longing for relationship and communion and connection was filled, then where would Christ fit? He is the only one who can fill that void of BFF, that fairy tale, permanent friendship of the one who is always there, who can be what you need, when you need it, every single time. When we expect others to do that, we are setting ourselves up for certain heartbreak. We get angry and defensive about friends who do not meet our needs when we need them to. We also let other down, because we live in a world that only portrays the good of life online and we truly do like dealing with the hard times; it is easier to go towards someone in a more fun situation than to help the hurting friend. We are selfish by nature. And sometimes, friendships are built on things that will not last. They may be built around one person helping another, and once that season is over, the friendship fades. They may be built around work or church or sports or a different commonality that once changed, makes the friendship more difficult to maintain at the same level. And occasionally, friendships are built out of selfishness of one (or both) parties and the end is not pretty or easy but inevitable. I have even seen friendships begin then end and later when both have matured, a much better friendship is formed.

So if you are struggling with friendship, know this, you are not alone.

• We all struggle with friendships (even those who make it look like they have 1000 of BFF's who are always at their house and doing fun stuff with them) Friendships do not change because you are screwed up (we are all screwed up), they simply change by design. 
• If someone who once called you friend intentionally sets out to hurt you, give that relationship space and yourself time to think through the situation. If you feel you wronged the other person, you need to ask for forgiveness. If you were wronged, you need to search for forgiveness. Entering back into a relationship with that person is something you have to reason out and pray about, not something you should expect of yourself. There are several former friendships that ended with intentional hurts that I forgave the person, but have not felt the desire or need to revisit that friendship. There are a few that I felt compelled to try to mend things with the understanding that things would have to be different than before. 
• It is okay for your best friend to be your spouse or your sibling. (they probably should not be your only friend though) You should feel blessed to have relationships like these that you can also call "friend"
• God has given you a desire for relationship and for friends.
• Jesus Christ is the only one who can fill the void for that perfect Best Friend Forever. He is the only one that can meet you where you are, love you unconditionally and meet your needs with grace and kindness. Everyone else will fall short. You have to first understand that and second decide how much "short" you are okay with overlooking so that you can have friendships. 

Hopefully this will give you freedom in friendship like it has me. I can celebrate the fleeting friendship and recognize that God sends people to be a friend in my time of need. I also am evaluating the type of friend I am and if I meet needs like I should. There are friendships I treasure and ones that I still don't understand what happened. There are ones that I know if I called or texted, the other person would smile and then there are those that my text might elicit an eye roll or a pity reply; it is up to me to discern which are worth more of my time. (for some reason we seem to spend more energy and time on the second and rely on the first to just be there) And I need to work more on the ultimate friendship, my relationship with Christ. He is the most important one and the one I take for granted way too often.


Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie

When God Closes a door...

"When God closes a door...look for a window." Seriously, this was a Contemporary Christian song when I was growing up and it just almost elicits a gag on the trite cliche' when I think about it. Of course there is also the tried but true: "When God closes one door, He will open another." (Oh, please don't.) What is bad about these kinds of sayings that people just blurt out when someone has a huge disappointment or is going through a really rough moment is that it does absolutely nothing to help them other than cause more frustration. When you are on the receiving end of these cliches you are most likely in a place of waiting, in a place of stretching and confusion and a place of not having a clue what to do next; a place where you do not want to hear some trite cliche' spoken by a well-meaning friend.

However one day I heard a speaker say this with a new twist and man did it hit home!

"When God closes one door, He will open another, but sometimes, it is hell in the hallway."

I wish I could remember exactly who I heard say this, because to me it is genius! I laughed out loud and had a huge connection immediately, for I had been in the "hallway" for quite a while! The more I thought this over, the more God revealed to me all the aspects the hallway entails. The hallway is where the battles are won or lost. The hallway is where trust is built. The hallway is where God speaks directly to our heart. The hallway is where faith is birthed and obedience is decided; in the hallway; the battleground of our heart. You see it is easy to trust God when you understand the direction things are going. It is easy to trust when things are going just like you anticipated. True faith and trust happens when we are faced with uncertainty and confusion and disappointment but we know that God is in control and we are just charged with following His lead regardless of what appears to be the situation.

And just to be completely clear, the hallway is NOT a fun place to be; not even a little bit. Don't get me wrong, we can choose to be joyous in the hallway because we know our God is in control and loves us, but that doesn't make the hallway a fun place to be. I mean, think about your house. If you were asked to pick the most fun room of the house, the hallway definitely would not be it! No one really wants to go to the hallway, it just sort of happens. It is the connection (get this) between rooms; from one door to the next. (See that amazing parallel there?) 

I remember one time when we lived in an older pier and beam house and my husband, Trey, was a firefighter. One summer day (maybe late Spring), there was a late afternoon storm coming in and it looked to be a big one. We live in North Central Texas, so storms can become pretty scary really fast. This storm came in fast and hard and started flooding some areas in our town so Trey left to go help the fire department and sheriff's department put out barricades to keep people safe from the flash flooding. The girls were fairly young at the time. Amanda was probably in 2nd grade and Kaitlyn in Middle School and neither were very fond of storms. 

Not long after Trey left, the skies turned eerily grayish and tornado sirens started going off around us. Our house was one of those old houses where you go from one room to the next in a big circle but there was small hallway in the middle and it was the only spot that wasn't on the outside of the house and the only spot without windows. (both things to look for when you need a safe place in a tornado) So I hastily grabbed my daughters, our two dogs, (a rambunctious lab puppy named Liberty and a little spastic weenie dog named Ginger), closed  all the doors to the connecting rooms and grabbed pillows and blankets to sit on since it was old hardwood flooring. The girls grabbed their favorite stuffed animals and despite the sweltering heat, blankets. Almost immediately Trey called me, out of breath and yelling over wind and rain, to make sure we were safe and in the hallway and to assure me that he would call when it was safe to come out. Now I really want you to chew on that thought for a few moments and we will come back to it: safe in the hallway.

Since I am such a visual learner, I want to give you a little mind picture of what was happening at little 505 Brown Street. The hallway itself is no more than 4 feet wide and about 15 feet long maybe. There is one door on the end that we have closed (these are the old doors with glass knobs and skeleton keyholes) that leads to the girls' rooms. There is another door on the opposing end that is also closed that leads to our bedroom and a door in the middle back wall that leads to the bathroom. the fourth side had a door opening, but no actual door so I had one of the girls' twin mattresses propped up there. There were no vents in this hallway, so it was stuffy and with two wide-eyed young girls and two dogs who had no clue what was going on, it was a little chaotic. Soon the electricity went out so it grew even hotter and very uncomfortable. We were sweating and trying to convince Liberty to not jump over the mattress and Ginger to quit her pacing and whining. 

Apparently more than one funnel had appeared in various locations near us around this time so the sirens seemed to keep going off. I was worried, but also frustrated with trying to keep my girls calm and the dogs contained and my sanity intact! I put on that mom mask of calmness and fun in the face of things that are described by neither of those words and we sang, I ran and got coloring books and colors and things like that. As more time passed, I grew impatient as we had not heard an "all-clear" from Trey yet. I began to sneak out of the hallway to see if I could see anything that would tell me if we could come out or not. I would insist that the girls stay there and I would go watch the news station on the TV or even venture to take a look outside and then quickly return to them. The girls, succumbing to the heat and uncomfortable conditions began complaining that they didn't want to stay in the hallway or that the dogs didn't want to be in there and we should just let them out. I don't remember how long we stayed there for sure but my guess is that it was around an hour. Trey called and said there had been a couple of small funnels that didn't seem to do much damage and that the main part of the storm had passed. Thankfully, we were all safe, albeit a little sweaty and cranky, but safe and sound and we began putting the weird collection of things that we had in the hallway with us back in their rightful places. 

This memory came back to me when I thought about the hallways of life. Like I said before, the hallway is not a fun place to be, but it is a vital part of the house. Without the hallway, you couldn't easily move from room to room. Some houses have big hallways and some are small; so it is with life. When we go from one stage or moment where things really seem to be moving along nicely and then suddenly there is a change; likely a change we didn't expect or want or like. Often it is a change that we have little or no control over and that makes it a little scary; tornado-like. This is when we are placed in the hallway. This is when we are learning to trust. This is when it sometimes gets hot and uncomfortable and we try our best to sneak out and see if we can "fix" it. But this, this hallway, this is where we are safe. In fact, sometimes, being in the hallway, isn't even about us. I was doing my best as a mom to keep my two girls and two dogs as safe as possible. Maybe your hallway is more about keeping someone else safe or more of a battle for their heart and trust than your own. 

I wasn't the most obedient wife in that hallway. I snuck out, checked things out; tried to see if I could return the situation to normal. As Christians, how often do we do that with God? When He has us in this waiting state, in a hallway of life, asking for us to simply trust. In fact often He doesn't give us so much as a glimpse of what we are trusting for other than the heart knowledge that He loves us and works for our good; we are just to trust Him.  Instead, we try to sneak out of the hallway of life by figuring out how to fix things ourselves, as if we are able to do a better job than our Lord. We sneak out simply because we are tired of being hot and uncomfortable and dealing with the conditions of the hallway and even more because we do not want to be mature enough to be the adult in the hallway. Thank goodness there was not a tornado about to rip through my house at the very moment I chose to step out of the hallway and check. How selfish, silly and immature of me to leave my children to check. We knew that someone who loved us very much would call and let us know when it was safe, but that was not good enough in the midst of the discomfort. What a slap in the face to my loving husband that act was. How many more times and how much more must it be a slap in the face to our God when we try to fix things and all he wants is for us to be still, be safe, and to grow in maturity and trust in him. 

So if you find yourself in the hallway of life, take heart! Eventually the storm will be over. I do not know if yours is a long hallway or a short hallway. I do know that you will probably face some uncomfortable things, you will probably feel isolated and it may get a little hot in there as God tries to teach you things for your next open door event. I do know that hallways are necessary and that often they are for the safety of you or someone else. They might even be a battleground for the heart of someone else. How you handle yourself in the hallway speaks more than how you handle yourself in any successful open-door moment. God will not give you that moment until He is ready for you to walk through it, (notice I didn't say until we are ready for it, because usually we are never truly ready), but that next door might be one that rocks your world more than any storm ever could. God's ultimate agenda is to further His Kingdom of believers and to use His children to do so. He wants to use you as soon as that door opens, but you have to be able to handle a little hallway chaos first!

Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Isaiah 40:30-31 "Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Romans 5:3-5 " We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us , because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given to us."

Blessed more than I deserve,

Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Above the Fray

Hawks vs Mockingbirds

#soarinsteadofimitate

         As I was driving home from a little pampering today, I noticed a beautiful soaring hawk. I love watching hawks as the glide through air currents and just seem to float effortlessly in the sky. This particular hawk had a few moments of frustration and interruptions in his smooth gliding as he was being persistently harrassed, chased and dive-bombed by an annoying little mockingbird. 

        My mind immediately went to situations I've dealt with recently with certain "mockingbirds" in my life. And, as God often does, He gave me insight and understanding that I desperately need. The more I watched this interaction between these two birds, the more He spoke to my heart. 

        

        There will always be people who imitate greatness, believe appearance is everything, and who think their position as the "State Bird of Texas" makes them powerful and untouchable. Then there will be hawks; strong, majestic, beautifully soaring above the fray. 

        A hawk has a loud screech of a call, but it is used strategically, most often as a warning or greeting to other hawks they care about. A mockingbird, on the other hand, never seems to stop "talking", using every call, noise, or itteration that they think will get the attention of others. Hawks take care of their own, often helping other hawks when looking for prey. Mockingbirds attack pretty much anything around just for fun and are known as one of the most aggressive small birds around. I would venture to say that mockingbirds are the arrogant narcissists of the bird world. All of this got me to thinking about the mockingbirds in our lives; those who chatter a lot, imitating people they deem important, and aggressively going after those who are trying to soar because they feel threatened by their calm majestic focus. 

        The hawk I was watching, although annoyed, was unbothered, and in an instant could soar to heights the mockingbird could not. The hawk never attacked back, or turned its focus to the little irritating bird. The hawk continued to soar and focused on the hunt for success; a success that was likely important for the hawk and his entire family. Sidenote: hawks mate for life and take care of their own and often hunt with other hawks to help everyone be successful.  

        In life, there are times when mockingbirds seem to get all the attention simply because they are loud and self-important, aggressive little narcissists.  We must continue to be hawks. We must focus on the hunt for our success, for what is right, and soar above the fray. We need to see the mimicking noise of the mockingbirds for what it is: a desperate attempt to look important and to sound important by saying and imitating all the things they have heard from others they think are important.  Do not fall for the noise. Do not let the irritation ruffle your feathers. Staying focused, we are called to rise above where the mockingbird cannot follow. 

SOAR MY FRIENDS...SOAR BEAUTIFULLY AND MAJESTICALLY ABOVE THE FRAY.  

You will be noticed either way, but it is up to you to determine how and why you are noticed. No amount of mocking or chatter or aggression will ever make a mockingbird a hawk. 

Blessed More Than I Deserve,

Stephanie

Written by: Stephanie Rieper 

Photo by: Jason Stewart, Birdwatching Magazine, taken on March 14, 2020 6:05 pm

Real Power Steering

As I was driving to a friend's house the other day, God spoke to me through my Nissan Rogue. Weird, I know. You see, my car has this little (and somewhat annoying) feature that gives me a staccato of three beeps when my vehicle veers too close to a lane line on the road. It is a safety feature designed to counteract the phenomenon that you steer where you stare.

On this particular day, I noticed a beautiful hawk to my right gliding on air currents and for a second, I looked that direction. My awe at this majestic creature was interrupted by "beep...beep...beep" and I looked forward to see that I was close to the shoulder line of the road.  Why? Because you steer where you stare. 

In that moment, God stirred my heart to write again and so I'm sharing with you. (Yes, God can even work through Nissan and vehicle safety technology.)

Let's start with this: 

Matthew 22:37-38

You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.

All your heart: desires, wishes, dreams

All your soul: entire being, involuntary reflex of loving him

All your mind: thoughts, ideas, plans

I want to talk to you a little bit about two things. Your heart and your mind.

 If you are a believer, a sister in Christ, your soul is spoken for. And while maybe you don’t feel you have reached that faith moment where you love Him with all your soul, I believe that battleground has been determined by an acceptance of Jesus into your life. That war has been won and you are His daughter. Which means that the devil cannot touch your soul once you are His. He cannot change that outcome.

 What he can do, unfortunately, is battle for your heart and/or mind to ensure you are ineffective in the Kingdom and distracted from your Savior. This is where we must be diligent, because you steer where you stare. 

We are women, an amazing sisterhood even, of women who are also daughters of an amazing King, and yet often it doesn’t really feel that way. Why? 

•Mean Girls isn't just a movie and isn't just relegated to adolescents.

•Insecurities are very real and one of Satan's easiest tools of distraction

•Social Media shows only the great parts of other's lives, not the unfolded laundry in the corner, just out of sight

•We live in a society that thrives on exhaustion. We are tired, as moms, wives, sisters, coworkers, bosses, friends. We are so tired. 

Think for a moment about your biggest desires on any given day. What things do you find yourself saying in the mirror “I wish…” What plans or goals do you have written in a journal or taped to the wall or swimming in your mind? What would you say, in the last 2 months, has been your biggest disappointment? Do you still think about how to fix it, change it or wish it had not happened? What do you see in others that somehow makes you feel like a failure in yourself? 

Is it the scale? The jeans size? The car you drive? The promotion you deserve? The tantrum your kid won’t quit throwing? The flippant remark from a friend? The house you live in? Your education level? The number of friends you have? Or want to have? Your marriage? The dust on the ceiling fan blades or basket of unmated socks? A loss of friendship, marriage, love, job? 

These things, sisters, are our hearts and minds.

 Comparison is the thief of joy and a powerful tool of the enemy. The battlefield is your heart and your mind. And if, just if, we can literally wrap our brains around this, God will grant us a gift that is greater than any single one of those things your mind conjured. A gift that we cannot compare to anything, and honestly, we will never understand fully until we experience it. Even then, it is incomprehensible.

Here’s the gift: 

Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

I am sure you are thinking, sure sounds easy enough.  But you don’t really get it, especially that first part. Then you start to remember all the things you need your heart and mind guarded from and *poof* you are back to where you started!

If you are staring at the past, you'll never fully step into your God-designed future.

If you are fixated on the hurt, you will never fully heal.

If you are steadily dwelling on your mistakes or perceived failures, you'll miss the power steering of your Savior and forget that He works through your weaknesses.

You will steer where you stare...every single time.

So let's think back to driving a car for a second. How many of you took driver's ed as a teenager? 

When I took driver’s ed, my teacher was also my pastor’s wife and my mom’s best friend. I loved Mrs. Jana then and still do. One thing I remember is that every single driving session, we had to drive three places: the bank to make her deposit for the week, the Whataburger to get her diet coke and by her house so she could run in and get her Milky Way candy bar, because drinking a diet coke would balance out the candy bar calories. I love that woman! One other thing I remember is her insistence that we put our hands “at 10 and 2” on the steering wheel.  Now, true confession, I don’t really drive with my hands at 10 and 2. In fact I tend to drive with my left hand at the 1-ish position and lean on my arm on the console.But there is a reason why driving school insists on the 10 and 2 hand positions. 

Because we steer where we stare. 

If our hands are in the 10 and  2 position, we are naturally squared up and if we zone out or are not focused for whatever reason, we are more prone to continue driving straight ahead. Why?  Because we are naturally staring forward; because we steer where we stare.

The way I naturally drive, is likely not as safe. If I zone out, I will naturally veer to the right because my body is turned slightly that direction. 

Looking at a different perspective of this idea, my husband was a firefighter for many years and often he will talk about some the scariest moments he had. Weirdly enough, most were not fire related, but vehicle related.

 He worked many wrecks on a major highway in the area that his station served.  There were many close calls that nearly cost the emergency responders dearly because drivers were looking at the wreck and therefore veered towards the wreck unintentionally. 

We steer where we stare.

And sister, let me tell you, it is not just in driving, it is in our hearts and minds as well!

 In the verses above from Philippians, it says do not worry about anything and to pray instead and then you will have peace. Why? (Say it out loud with me) 

Because we steer where we stare! 

If we are staring into the arms of Jesus instead of directing our focus on what Satan wants to distract us with, then we will find peace because He is our peace. 

And as Paul continues, he is very specific about how to change our focus. He says:

Philippians 4:8,9b

And now, Dear brothers <and sisters>, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. … Then the God of peace will be with you. 

We tend to hold tightly to things that are none of these. So I want you to think about one or two things that you are struggling to release to God. These are currently the very things Satan is using as a battlefield for your heart and mind. 

Make two tight fists and hold them up in front of you.

This is what you are holding tightly to you and struggling to give to God.

This is what is monopolizing your mind and heart right now. 

Are you ready to put Paul's instructions into practice? As you read the following, we are going to count off the ways to change the direction our hearts and minds are steering; we are going to purposefully stare in a different direction. 

If, you are ready, hold those fists out and...

Sisters, fix your thoughts on what is:

True (open one finger on your right fist...#1)

Honorable (open another finger on your right fist...#2)

Right (open a third finger on your right fist...#3)  It is difficult to hold tightly to something with only your pinky and thumb) 

Pure (lift your pinky on your right fist...#4)

Lovely(open your entire right hand) Give Him what you were clinging to in that fist.

Admirable (lift your first finger on your left hand...#1)

Excellent (lift your second finger on your left hand...#2)

Worthy (lift your third finger on your left hand...#3)

  of (lift that pinky finger!)

Praise! (Open your entire left fist!) 

GIVE IT TO HIM! 

And just like that, you have released those things to Him and then the God of peace will be with you. Now, the trick is to remember this everytime you start to veer off into that battle of your heart and mind. Make this little exercise your three beeps to center yourself again and again. It is your Spiritual safety measure to ensure you stare into the face, and peace, of Jesus. Your life will steer where you've fixed your gaze. There's an old hymn that was Brother Eddie (Mrs. Jana's husband) favorite that says this beautifully. 

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." 

Why? 

Because we steer where we stare. 

What are you staring at today? Is it true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent,  and worthy of praise? If not, use a little power steering and fix your gaze on those things and He will give you peace. 

Blessed more than I deserve, 

Stephanie