Failure is Not An Option

I Thessalonians 2:1 " You know brothers that our visit to you was not a failure."

Man I needed this scripture recently, and as always, God's timing is impeccable. I started a study with a ladies' group at church over I & II Thessalonians and the second week we covered this scripture.  Paul, Timothy, and Silas had just tried to visit Thessalonica but they were quickly run out the town after visiting Philippi and being stripped, beaten and thrown in prison there. They barely had a chance to even say "hello," but Paul is assuring his friends that the visit was not a failure. You see, they planted seeds, (and a church) they were obedient to the call of the Lord and they did the work to spread the gospel. I am sure things did not go as Paul, Timothy and Silas had anticipated; I am sure they felt a tinge of disappointment. I don't know if you know that much about Paul in the New Testament, but he is a pretty dynamic character in the history of the New Testament church and spread of the gospel. Even so, I am sure being beaten and thrown in jail was not really his idea of a successful missionary journey to a town of people he really cared about. Luckily for me, God allowed him to understand, and to assure others, that actually "failure" really wasn't an option as a descriptor as long as God was in control.

True confession: I have a touch of what people call perfectionism. Okay, maybe it is more like a serious problem. The weird thing is that it is only self-directed. I don't expect others to be perfect, and am probably one of the most tolerant of others' mistakes and shortfalls, but when it comes to my own, I am ruthless. A lot of that personal perfectionism is related to my many deeply rooted insecurities or maybe the two just feed off of one another. I am determined to be good enough and right and yet am terrified that I am correct when I think I am not; such a weird internal conundrum.

 My perfectionism is magnified when I have something specific to accomplish or there is a measurable end product. For instance, when I went back to school to earn my teaching degree it became a screaming billboard for everyone around me to see. I had to get all A's; anything less was unimaginable.

 I went back after working as a teacher's aide for 10-12 years, knowing I wanted to teach. I quit working and in four semesters of college completed 84 semester hours to graduate as quickly as possible. Yes, I took 19-24 semester hours each semester, even begging the dean at one point to allow the 24 hours that semester. That my friends, is perfectionistic encephalitis or "crazy" for short.

 I worked my tail off while taking all those classes. I even remember Amanda asking one day, " Momma, do you have homework every day?" What is silly is that the degree wasn't nearly as important as all those individual course marks. And to this day, one course, Mexican American History, is my biggest frustration. 

The class I really enjoyed. My professor was a crop pants, flip-flop wearing self-proclaimed hippie who was very laid-back (duh) and very knowledgeable. He basically just talked the entire time and showed us pictures of his travels and why he loved Mexican history so much. Lucky for me, I have a pretty remarkable memory and take good notes, (although they are usually scattered all over a page.)

 I was crammed into a class of mostly history majors and mostly 15 years younger than me. The best part about this class ( and I understand this will elicit audible groans from some of you) was that his tests were 100% essay. I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but I'm pretty adept at what I have always affectionately called "fluffing" in writing. That ability added to my memory allowed me to always do well on essay tests. I needed this one last history class for my degree plan and was glad it would be one I felt I could comfortably gain an A in.

The first test day rolls around and I purchase the little blue book (a composition book we had to have for every test). Prior to test day, the professor would give us six possible essay topics and on test day he would only give us two of the six to choose from; we were to write about only one of them. I looked over the two topics, selected the one I felt most comfortable about and began writing. I listed what I wanted to cover in the back of the comp book to make sure I didn't leave anything out. We had two hours and I wrote probably for an hour and fifteen minutes. I read back over the three and a half pages I had wrote, checked my spelling and that I had covered everything, and then walked to the front and put it on the stack on his desk. I felt really good about that first test. 

We came back to class two days later and he had them graded and after the lecture he passed back out composition books. I quickly thumbed through my essay and there were no red marks anywhere. I flipped back to the front and at the top of my first page I saw these words in red, " Very well written. Covered all the facts! Very concise." then I glance to the inside cover of the comp book and see in pretty red pen, "B+." What??? B+? I was very confused.  I flipped back through, reread it and still didn't understand. So after class, I stayed around and walked up and introduced myself to the professor. I told him that I currently had a 4.0 GPA and wanted to work hard to keep that if possible. I said that I had received a B+ on my test essay and asked if he could let me know what I could do to improve my future essay grades in his class. He sat there on his desk, one flip-flop in the floor and one dangling from his unmannicured foot, and asked to see my essay. So I handed it to him, hoping he would just give me an idea of what he was looking for. He flipped through it and said, " Oh, yeah. You wrote really well. I liked that you were able to cover everything so well." I stood expectantly for the "but..." and he didn't disappoint. " ...but, there is no way I am  giving anything better than a B+ for only 3 1/2 pages." and with that he handed the book back to me and dismissed me with a turn to gather his slides out of the slide machine. I quickly went from curious and insecure to indignant. I was floored that he would really base his grade on how many pages it took to say what needed to be said. He had just thrown down the gauntlet to a master-fluffer; he had no idea what awaited him.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to the next test date. The professor gave us the six possible topics and I set to memorizing every minute detail about at least five of them. One of the topics had to do with how the culture of a particular tribe was evidenced in America during a specific time period. This one was very broad and left a lot of room for fluffery; it was the one I spent the most time memorizing ideas about. The day of the test, my husband drove me the hour to the school I was attending for some reason. (I think he wanted to go to a sporting store in the area, but can't really remember.) I told him we had two hours to write, and I wasn't sure how long it would take me. Knowing that I usually do not take the full time, I am sure he expected me within an hour or a little after.

I sat down, with my blue comp book and waited for the test. He put the archaic transparency on the overhead that listed the two choices. BINGO! The one I had hoped for was there and without any further ado, I began writing as quickly as I possibly could. I wrote about everything from the medicine men of the tribe to the food seasonings to the colors in the embroidery. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I covered every single minuscule possibility of anything that impacted the culture of this particular tribe and related it to the time period asked about. When I was finished, I barely had time to quickly proofread my work and count the pages. SUCCESS! Right at the two-hour mark, I placed my comp book on the top of the pile and triumphantly walked out to my waiting husband.

Trey looked worried as he asked, " Was it a bad test? How do you think you did?" I smiled and said, " Oh, I think I pretty much covered it all and I don't think he can deduct from my grade due to a lack of pages written." The look I gave must have been that mischievous look that dripped with sarcasm because he immediately and knowingly smiled and asked, " How many pages did you write?" My answer? " 24." with a content sigh of vindication. He just laughed. (I think he is used to my overachiever- itis)

The next class period for Mexican American History, I was anxious to get our tests back. As before, he passed them back towards the end of the class. I flipped through my writing, finding no more than 3-4 marks in red. I flipped to the front inside cover and noticed he had not written any comments at the top this time. I expectantly glanced across the page to see in red pen, "B+". I guess I showed him...

As I walked out, I commented to a fellow student that I was confused as to how to get an A in this class. She immediately asked my major and when I told her it was Interdisciplinary Studies, she said there was no way I would get an A. According to her, and several others around, this professor only gave A's to History majors like her. I asked what she had received on her test and she said " A-, which I am super excited about since I really didn't know what to write." That course was the only B on my transcript for all those 84 semester hours; the best I ever received on a test was an A- once. For a perfectionist, a B+ is as good as failure, but it is not failure. I graduated and not once has a potential employer asked about my Mexican American history grade.

I tell you that story just so you get an idea of how deeply I am embedded in this perfectionism so that you can understand the struggles I have with not being "good enough" in general. I have a tendency to base my worth on my performance in things especially if there is a measurable end goal. (Which makes this blog something with a lot of power to get me wrapped up in success versus failure with each post depending on how many people read it or how they respond- this is a huge learning process for me to just allow God to use my writing however He wishes regardless of whether I see any results or not.)

Now fast forward to the last couple of years. In an earlier blog post, I told you that God had placed me within a company that allowed me to minister and speak into the lives of many women on a regular basis. This position came with lots of rewards based on performance and I excelled greatly at reaching certain goals. Within three months, I had earned a free car and after seven months, I was in a leadership (management) position. My position within this company has begun to change a little creating some new choices. We decided it would be best to return the vehicle so that our family did not accrue any extra expenses. It was a difficult decision, but one that I am completely at peace with now. The thing is though, Satan has whispered more than once in my ear that this was paramount to failure; despite knowing in my heart that God is orchestrating changes and that He placed me in this company in the first place for a specific reason, there were twinges of self-doubt and I fought the urge to succumb to the idea that I was letting other down and had failed them and possibly even God by not continuing to excel the way I had in the beginning.

And then I went to the Ladies' Bible study and later that week opened my Bible to read I Thes 2:1-6. Even more, God smiled at my weakness and sent me a reminder that He is in complete control. The very day the company came to pick up my car, my blog post, (the first one I had written in years) "When God Closes a Door..." exploded like nothing I had imagined! In one day, over 1000 people had read or shared that single post! The day I could have been slapped in the face with what my insecurities (and my enemy) would tag as failure, God showed me His success! In our weakest moments, that is when God can show us more than ever! I won't lie, I shed a few tears, but I was determined to not listen to the deceiving one and to press into the Savior who has never failed me. By the end of the day, I was so excited and humbled and emotional about what God was teaching me.

Reading from my study, these words jumped off the page:

I Thessalonians 2:1-6 " You know, brothers, that our visit to you was not a failure. We had previously suffered and been insulted in Phillipi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in spite of strong opposition. For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed- God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else."

First of all, I need to quit seeing things as failures especially when I know I have followed where God led and did what I was meant to do; sometimes we don't get to stay around long enough to see the real difference made. Sometimes, well many times actually, things do not end up like we thought they would. We could save ourselves a lot of stress if we would quit painting the rest of the picture when God has only made a couple of brushstrokes. (or maybe that's just me)

Secondly, I should not allow strong opposition to guide whether I do God's work. Although the company I am with is a Christian based company, interestingly, there has been outward opposition to being successful in it and to using it as a vehicle to share God's love to others. I think sometimes people get confused and forget that God can use (and usually does) some of the things we consider so strange to further His kingdom. Sometimes others are misdirected and in a well-meaning way feel the need to enlighten you to their perspective. In the end it really doesn't matter if we have the approval or understanding of everyone we know, as long as God is in control and we allow Him to lead us. That last part is key though, do not try to force onto God something you are doing for your own gain and expect it to sit well with Him or His children. I know in my life he has sent those who spoke in love to adjust my direction.

 Which leads me to the last thing about this passage that is utterly crucial: "We are not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else." I have to be so careful, especially with my tendency towards perfectionism, to not look for praise from others to decide if I am good enough. The truth is I am good enough and yet I will never be good enough. I know that is a strange thing to say, but what I mean is that I will NEVER be good enough to truly deserve God's love, but by the blood of His son, I am good enough: I am a loved sister, chosen by God! (I Thessalonians 1: 4) All those things that I consider failures, are just silly. I am a loved sister, CHOSEN by GOD!!! During a discussion once about not quite meeting a goal and feeling like I had failed, one of my close friends said, "Stephanie, your worth is not tied even loosely to your performance. If you walked away and didn't even try, your worth would not change a bit." How I am viewed by others might change, but God's perspective of who I am is unchanging, and should stay my focus. This can become a constant battle, especially for those who struggle with low self esteem or self worth. 

I Thessalonians 1:4 " For we know, brothers (or sisters) loved by God, that he has chosen you."

 Even if not another soul reads one of my posts, even if I never earn another free vehicle, even if I had never earned one to begin with, even if I have no friends or hundreds of friends, even if I lose my temper or listen to Satan's whispers too long, or let the praise of others become my focus for a time, even if...I am a loved sister, chosen by God; nothing will ever change that. 

So loved brothers and sisters, chosen by God, what does that mean for you? What is that "failure" that God wants you to see was actually a success? How will you look at future endeavors differently?  In our study, the suggestion was made to approach our Christian brothers and sisters with this same greeting. Even if you don't say it out loud, how would that change your interaction with people? I know I can't even say that in my mind without viewing that person with a little more love and a little more compassion. 

2006 when I got my degree

One last thing I have noticed about my struggles with feeling like a failure is that often I get so wrapped up in the one small event that I am not seeing the whole picture at all. (not that my tiny little brain can ever see the whole picture)  I mean that history class for example, I don't even remember the professor's name, but I remember those grades like it was yesterday! You know what, I still graduated, got my teaching certificate and have been teaching Algebra I to ninth graders for many years now. The car that I recently returned was a huge blessing to our family for about 18 months! We had no car payment and no credit hit, it was just a bonus! Most people don't even earn a free car in their job, much less their secondary, part-time job. Not to mention that I am still a part of a great company that allows me to mentor others in Christ's love often and with amazing women that I love. How can any of that be a failure? It would be like teaching our children to ride a bike and when they finally did it on their own, we say, "Yeah, but you crashed seven times today and you had to keep the training wheels on longer than I thought." We would never do that to our kids! God would never do that to his kids, so you shouldn't do it either. You are chosen. You are loved. You are HIS. Failure isn't really an option anymore.

the amazing car that blessed our family for 18 months

Blessed more than I deserve

~ Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://facebook.com/heartiscrossed

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Then the unthinkable happened...

There I sat, on the floor of the closet, hugging my knees tightly to my chest and rocking back and forth; silent tears U8( down my face. I was more broken in that moment than I have ever been in my life. I hurt from the very core of my innermost being and it felt like I was completely and utterly alone.

When I felt my husband's integrity attacked, I immediately flew into that beastly protective mode; I needed everyone to know the man I loved, not the words they read or heard. (can you say control issues?) In the next year to year and a half, we lost most of our worldly possessions because he lost the job that he lived and loved for many years. Every week it seemed like some new bad event was happening, or something else would be lost. In the end, things are just things, but the impact this long, stressful time of our character being questioned and attacked was almost unbearable. Watching my husband become withdrawn and battle depression sent me into a mix of the same and stirred an intense need to fight for our survival.

Thankfully, our family was (and is) rooted in Christ and losing temporal things was not as devastating as it might have been otherwise. Every morning, we met as a family and prayed together that we would each have a good day. I searched scripture daily and had landed in the Psalms, reading about God delivering David from his enemies and not allowing them to have the victory. I knew, that I knew, that I knew that God was going to take care of everything and that this injustice would not be allowed to happen and be a final blow. I knew it with a deep faith certainty. (in case you missed that)

Here is where things get tricky and I hope I explain my mindset well. I have always believed in miracles. I am one of those people that if we had a need, a physical need, going to God for that and expecting the miracle to happen is second nature to me. I don't worry about the physical needs. That may be because I grew up without a lot of extras but mostly because I know that is how my parents were in their faith; God will provide. This situation was a bit different. It wasn't a physical need I was so fixated on, but the need for an injustice not to happen. The need for "good" to prevail and justice and right and....(this is starting to sound like a Marvel comic) Anyway, you get the idea. I knew God would not allow this awful thing to happen to my husband. I shouted it from the pages of Facebook and to anyone else who would listen. I didn't know how, but I knew it would work out somehow.

And then the unthinkable happened. God didn't come through. God didn't come through?

What was I supposed to do with that? I was devastated and confused. How in the world could I reconcile this in my mind? I knew without a doubt that God had told me it would be okay. I knew that God had given me scripture references to back it up. I had even set the stage for the miracle to happen and for Him to get the glory.

Oops...I had set the stage. Had I become a miracle manipulator in my intense desire to see good prevail? Had I basically tried to lay it out so God had no other option? Like I was really that much in control? (Again, control issues)

You see sometimes I think that is what we do with God. We think that we can set the stage for him to swoop down like a comic book hero and fix things and then we can shout to everyone around that our God is awesome and He just ____________ (did whatever it was.) What if He doesn't want that from you or I? Does He really need us to lead the way for Him; set His stage?

Reread the first few lines I wrote above:

 There I sat, on the floor of the closet, hugging my knees tightly to my chest and rocking back and forth; silent tears streaming down my face. I was more broken in that moment than I have ever been in my life. I hurt from the very core of my innermost being and it felt like I was completely and utterly alone.

I had prayed. I had believed. I had faith even more than a mustard seed; and you know what happened? God let me down! He didn't come through! How could He do that to me?

I was at a faith crossroads. I had to figure this thing out because I was on that floor of my closet and I was crying out to God and I honestly didn't think He was answering at all; maybe not even hearing me. I had never been faced with "What if God doesn't come through? Then what? " He had always come through. I never stopped believing in God, but I had to decide who God was in a very real, very painful, very personal way. It was almost more than I could bear to think that my God had let me down. I had to face those inner demons of thinking bad things are a punishment for bad people; the whispers of Satan trying to steal the faith embedded in my heart. Oh and he is a great whisperer.

To make matters worse, every friend, every worship song, every sermon seemed to focus or mention something about the goodness of God. I LOVE to sing and worship with my voice, but during these weeks, I couldn't. I tried and ... nothing, I mean not even a squeak came out. It was as if the words would not form on my lips. I would stand in the church and not even realize I had tears running down my face and not even be focused enough to know when to stand or sit. I was in a faith-battle haze. I was waging a war against Satan in my heart so difficult and so hurtful that I felt like I might not make it out alive. Praise God, that He resided there already and had decorated the place so well that Satan could fight but he would never have won.

The verse Romans 8:28 became a constant thorn for me during this battle.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Well-meaning friends would quote it or paraphrase it and one dearly loved elderly man of God at church kept saying to me every time he saw me, " God is good, all the time; All the time, God is good." (Mr. Paul would always pause as though he expected me to finish the phrase for him, but I just couldn't do it.) This was a huge part of what I was coming to terms with. I fervently prayed and read the Bible and searched and still felt like nothing was happening; I was getting no answers. For the first time in my Christian life, I was searching for, grasping for, answers that I thought I already knew, and they just weren't coming easily. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, or maybe not well enough; like I wasn't doing enough to get God's attention and all the time the recordings of Satan's whispers were set on replay in my mind. It was a battle extraordinaire.

You see, one of the weirdest things about me is I am very emotionally driven and very logical and the same time. When I take those left-brained (logic/math/order) versus right-brained (creative/emotional/experience) quizzes, I am always split right down the middle. So during this faith battle, my logical side would be saying things like "This isn't 'good.' Why would God allow something so unjust? How can that possibly be good for His children? If He is a loving Father God like I believe He is, He wouldn't allow something that would ruin our lives to happen like this." And then my emotional side would be saying, "God is bigger than this. I know He loves me, He has shown me. I believe Him. He can still fix this." 

After the final blow of God not showing up, our foreclosure was final, we had nowhere to live (but of course God provided), we had no way to give Christmas to our kids (but of course God provided), We lost our vehicle (but of course God provided.) We opened a business and lost a lot of money when it also closed.( but still God provided for us). I was literally in such a state that I felt like God was allowing this attack just like he allowed Job to lose so much. At one point, I even became fleetingly fearful that my children would be harmed or die next! (more whispers of Satan) And then I looked at the story of Joseph.

 This young man was one of many of his father's and his brothers didn't really like him much because he was Daddy's favorite. They plotted to kill him, but instead they sold him into slavery. (Genesis 37:18-36) Talk about an injustice! He became a slave to a very rich man in Egypt and worked his way up in the household of this rich family. 

Just about the time things were starting to look up, Joseph gets wrongfully accused of something he didn't do and thrown in prison for it without so much as an investigation. (Genesis 39:16-20) Now it doesn't say this in the scripture, but I imagine Joseph thinking that God would not allow his brothers to really sell him into slavery. Or maybe he knew that God would come through for him when he was falsely accused. I imagined he thought that the man he worked for knew him better than the words that he had heard and would investigate a little further. Or maybe he just believed God would not allow such an injustice to happen. But it did. All of it happened. He was sold as a slave by his own brothers.  He was imprisoned for something he did not do. 

So how does that reconcile with Romans 8? "God works ALL things together for the good of those who love him." Here is my only answer to that. I finally came to terms with this because I know that my little brain is laughable compared to God. He is beyond my understanding; I already knew that before all of this happened. How then do I expect to understand "good"; or at least God's version of the word. What if He has a different definition of good than I do? What if I, as usual, don't even have a teeny tiny idea of what good really is?

 Joseph, while in prison, interpreted a dream for the Pharoah. This led to him becoming second in command and in charge of all the food that Egypt had stored up during a time when people were starving to death. Guess who came knocking on his door to ask for food for their family? His brothers did and he was in a position, years later, to save his own family from imminent death and to reunite on good terms despite the evil things they had done to him. (Genesis 42) Seriously, it is a cool story- go read it! The thing is, Joseph had time to get beyond the hurt and pains that he had encountered along the way. I do not know if he was ever vindicated or publicly presented as innocent of what he was accused of. Maybe his integrity, hard-work and decency just proved to others who he really was. I am sure he made some stupid mistakes along the way, but Joseph was a man of God. How different would it have been if Joseph had stood in his prison cell screaming obscenities at his accusers and insisting the release him and prove his innocence. I am sure he must have felt like doing that at least once or twice. I wonder if the Pharoah would have ever trusted him to eventually run a large portion of the land? I wonder if some other not-so-loving guy would have been in charge of the food and Joseph's family would have perished? 

So one thing I learned is that God's version of 'good' may not match up with my version of 'good' and that I need to get over it. I don't have the panoramic view of life and I would hate for my family to die in a few years because I was pitching a fit somewhere instead of being used by God. 

The second huge faith lesson and this was what I think hit me incredibly hard and fast. I had to determine in my heart that I was placing my faith in God no matter what. No. Matter. What. Even when He doesn't, I still believe He is. He is working; He is doing; He is loving and yes, He is good. Even when I don't feel it, He is. I decided at the end of those few weeks that my heart was stuck. Even when God didn't come through like I knew, that I knew, that I knew that He would, I still trusted Him. Honestly, that was a hard fought internal battle for me. I had to decide that my faith was not conditional on how I felt or what I saw; my faith had to be completely unconditional. I trust you Lord, even if you don't come through. (like I pictured anyway)

The last thing I learned, and one I probably have to continually work on, is not to be a miracle manipulator! I like control. I think we all struggle sometimes with wanting to feel like we have a little control, but even more so when things are spinning wildly around us. I still have faith that God will provide my every need. I have learned that even though he had given us beautiful things, that His provision could be in something different. For example, I loved our house before, and it was such a God-thing that we even were able to buy that house, so it was confusing when I felt God allowing us to lose it. We had nowhere to go, and no real options to look at, when suddenly, God provided another home. This one is much smaller and not the same as a newly built house, but He provided and it has been good for us. Honestly, by the time the foreclosure happened, the house that was such a blessing had become so much of a burden that it was a relief to let it go.

 God wants us to be content in what we are given. We should rejoice with blessings we know He lavishes upon us, but don't be so selfish to believe that they are ours forever. It is a balancing act of gratefulness and trust. In that trust I need to never lose that ability to have complete and utter faith that God can move the mountain but even if He doesn't my faith cannot be swayed; unconditional faith. 

I had a friend say the other day that "God will not sift you unless there is something that needs to be sifted out." Which sounds really nice, but I am not sure I completely agree. Or maybe her meaning and how I interpret it are different. I think God does whatever needs to be done, and sometimes doesn't need to be done, to further His Kingdom. Furthermore, He sees the past, present and future as one continuum which we are not at liberty to have the panoramic view. Of course when we need something sifted out of our life, He does what needs to be done to remove it one way or another. However, I think sometimes we get sifted because we are standing too close to someone else who really needs the sifting; maybe we are there for them.  Sometimes, maybe because God needs us to be in a different place in the future and although there is no real clear reason in our vision path to be placed in slavery or prison right now, we find ourselves there metaphorically. Sometimes I think we mistake sinful human nature and choices as God's sifting. We live in a fallen world and people all around us make bad, even evil, choices daily . Those consequences have to go somewhere and often they are not contained in and around the one person making the choices.

I don't know if you've ever felt broken and alone like I did on that closet floor. I hope you never have to experience that kind of bone crushing, soul wrenching pain. If you do or have, know you are not alone. Don't stop crying out to God and don't mistake His silence for abandonment. He is there. He is allowing you to work through your faith battle and He is there. Trust Him even if He doesn't come through; unconditional trust is what God wants from us. He does work things together for the good of those who love Him, so don't roll your eyes at the sweet older guy who says "God is good, all the time; All the time, God is good."  every time you see him because he is much wiser than I am and he's right (and because I love Mr. Paul a lot). Just remember that God's idea of good probably doesn't even remotely match your idea of good, so get over it. And whatever you do, don't try to manipulate God to react in the way you want Him to. He is the designer of miracles, not us. Those are my lessons that I hope can help you get through your faith battle maybe more swiftly than I did mine. Oh and get rid of that record player in your head of Satan's whispers. Instead fill your head with new recordings; louder recordings and recordings that you have memorized so well that you can replay them as loud and as often as needed to drown out the enemy of your heart. Scripture is your best weapon when those whispers start. You can't use scriptures you do not know.

FYI: We all survived that awful time. This all happened before I even started writing and this is a family photo taken more recently. (We need a new one already though. This is a several years old)

Blessed more than I deserve,

~Stephanie

srieper89@gmail.com
www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Who knows...

With the overwhelming response of my last post, I thought maybe it would be good to write a post just telling you why I started this because it is truly a story of God working in my life for His greater good.

We have to go back several years to get the whole picture, well at least the whole picture up until now. (who knows what is in store!)

Many years ago, our family was in such a great place. God had blessed us with an amazing home that I had only dreamed of, I had finished college and was teaching (which I had wanted to do for a long time) and Trey was with a fire department and truly loved what he did; it was more who he was than what he did. In February that year, Trey was honored for his hard work and dedication. In April, things changed completely and quickly. A series of events, decisions and actions (some in our control and most out of our control), led to what felt like a deep spiral of loss, despair and hurt.

Trey lost his job, and with it, a large part of his identity. In the next two years, we lost our house to foreclosure, our only reliable vehicle, and even more devastating,  many relationships. Some of those relationships just simply walked away and some just didn't know how to handle all the bad so they just faded into the background. (after being hurt several times, I will say we also probably withdrew out of fear, creating more isolation)  We were under the heavy blanket of waiting to find what was going to happen next and we were hurting to the core. To make matters worse, we felt isolated, and confused and almost violated as much of what we were going through was undeserved and unfair. We cashed in Trey's retirement and praying, felt led to start a bakery/deli called Five Loaves Bakery and Deli. We had never owned our own business and were so clueless about what we were doing, that despite our strong opening months, unfortunately the bakery also went under and with it, the $75,000 we had invested. ( and the last money we had to live on) At that point, there were very few people left in our cheering section, and we were succumbing to self pity and devastation. We sort of circled the wagons around our little family and did our best to hang on tight to God's promises and teach the girls about faith and perseverance in action. Eventually, after 2 years without, Trey finally found a full-time job and things started improving little by little.

Blessings did happen throughout those years; God never failed us. When the house was foreclosed, we had nowhere to live, but God provided a sweet little house that would allow our pets at a price we could afford through a couple we knew at church. We started just going through the daily motions and trying to put the awful last few years behind us. The problem is that there is so much residue left from those years. I personally had lost a lot of faith in people (especially those closest to us) and in systems designed to protect people. I had a lot of trust issues. On the flip side, I also saw the goodness of people, usually who barely knew us, in how they stepped up and gave our children Christmas that year or helped buy us groceries. It was an internal conundrum, a battle of wills to see whether I would stay in a protected environment or put myself out there again for relationships to flourish.

Knowing God's design is not for us to be alone, but not really having a group of friends any longer, I felt the need to connect. I asked my mom to go with me to a ladies' Bible study at our church. It was a Beth Moore study of Esther. It changed the course of my life. I was quickly drawn to Beth with her intensity and attention to details in the scriptures. She is beautiful, funny, knowledgeable, and inspiring. In these studies, we would discuss our homework and then watch an hour long video of Beth talking/teaching. One Wednesday night, after teaching Algebra all day, I attended the study with Mom. I wasn't really part of the discussion at the beginning, as my mind was elsewhere. When the video started, of course I focused.  Then something really strange happened. As I stared at the TV screen, it was like Beth's mouth was moving but no sound was coming out- as if someone had hit the mute button. All I saw was Beth on the screen teaching, and all I heard was God clearly saying, "You are supposed to be doing this." Immediately, I argued. If someone could have recorded my thoughts that night it would have been something like : "Are you crazy, God? I am NOT Beth Moore! She is adorable, fashionable, knows your Word inside and out. She is so full of energy and speaks to people so well! I can't even keep a best friend! You've got the wrong girl, God!" and he would just respond "You are supposed to be doing this." I spent the entire hour trying to convince God that he had the wrong brain. That somehow he accidentally opened the wrong mind and spoke; maybe he meant the girl in front of me or something. Honestly this is the only time so far in my life I have audibly heard him speak to me and his words never changed, "You are supposed to be doing this." As soon as the video ended, I was teary-eyed and very emotional despite not hearing anything Beth said (which I am sure was amazing and am a little sad I missed it). I just sat there kind of dumb-founded for a few minutes and looked up and mom was watching me with that motherly look. I said to her, "I just think that I am supposed to be doing this; talking and speaking into women's lives." Can you believe, she looked me straight in the eye and said, " I know. Me too." What??? Now granted, my mom has a condition that affects her hearing, so maybe she didn't understand what I said, but she answered what God wanted her to answer. I am not sure if she meant that she was supposed to also or if she agreed and felt that God was leading me to it, but I was, well, astonished. I had a LOT to process that night and the weeks to come.

So once I came to grips with the idea that God wanted me to speak, teach or something to women for His glory, I just felt this need to do something but had no clue even where to start. That is where this blog began. I had seen blogs of all kinds and thought it couldn't be that big of a deal and that if I just shared it with people I knew then that would be a start, right? Amazingly, setting up the blog was easy and then God gave me a lesson to share. I spent a couple of hours typing and revising a voila! I had my first blog post: "Perhaps." I then wrote once a week for four weeks. Every post had about 50 views which was really cool, but didn't seem to be whatever it was God wanted from me. Then He placed me in a position within a Christian based company where I would have the opportunity to speak to women and share Him with others on a fairly regular basis. For the last two years, God used this position to teach me, to build my confidence immensely and to restore my faith in friendships and others and to even restore some damaged relationships. I changed so much over these two years that you can actually see the confidence change from the outside in just pictures.

2012

2014

I want you to look at the selfie pictures. Obviously my hair is different, but ignore that for a minute and look at the eyes and the smile; can you see the confidence change? I know I sure can!

Recently, I felt the winds of change again and have felt a need to take the next step in this incredible journey. I am still clueless about where this will end up or what I am supposed to do, but I am taking one step at a time. Mom suggested that I begin writing again. So, the other night I was awake and thoughts about what I should write were swirling in my head. The next day, I wrote my last blog post. Within three days, over 1100 people have viewed that one post! That is incredible and a little crazy to me! God is such an amazing interpreter that he took my simple words and made them something that others relate to and that spoke to them! So that is where I am right now. I would love someday to teach and speak to women about what I've learned over the years with my walk with God. I am still no Beth Moore! Someday I hope to meet her face-to-face to tell her thank you for being obedient to his call.

This post is a little different than the others as it is more just my story, but I hope that it encourages you to know that even in the craziness of all those dark times, God was teaching and molding me and giving me things that someday may come out in a post that will speak to someone I don't even know. When you know God has told you to do something and you have no clue how to even begin, just do something; just take a baby step. I love the saying that often we can't see the whole staircase, but God just wants us to take the first step! It is so true. If I had not stepped out and asked my mom to go with me so I didn't have to go by myself to the Esther study; if I had not responded to God's urging that night; if I had not started to write a blog two years ago; if I had not said 'yes' to an opportunity in a company at a time when one extra thing seemed impossible to add to my plate; if I had not listened to my mom and written that last blog...If I hadn't, make no mistake, He would have found someone who would have and I would have missed out on a period of growth, friends, love, confidence, blessings and preparation for the next step. Don't miss out! He wants to use YOU! If you refuse, he will use somebody because the ultimate goal is to expand his kingdom, but oh my gosh....it could be YOU!

Esther 4:14 " for if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?" 

On a sidenote: The verse above has been my guiding verse for the last two solid years. The company I spoke of allowed me to lead a team of women and I used this verse as our team verse. I called our team the "Royal Beauties". More than once, God showed up in the details and gave me the assurance that it was all His plan. I even recalled at one point that my name, Stephanie, means "Crowned One." How cool for God to show me that this is more than just "right now", but that it is past, present and future and he sees it all at once.


Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Feeding Kittens and Walking on Water

"Elvis" and the girls

"Dolly" and Amanda

About 3 years ago, our family took a vacation to Branson, Missouri. This, so far, is the only real family vacation out of the state that we have ever taken. It was a vacation full of so many fun times and memories that still make me smile. We visited a Titanic museum. We met "Elvis" and "Dolly" and they happened to be married to each other. We visited a classic car museum and made a trip to Silver Dollar City. The girls even rode down a giant hill in this huge hamster ball with water in it!  One of my favorite memories from that trip happened even before we ever made it to Branson and  it came to my mind the other day while I was driving to a friend's house.

Yes, my girls are inside with 15 gallons of water!

At the time, Amanda was 10 and Kaitlyn was 14. We drove to Missouri and I remember we left fairly early that morning. Trey made us some pigs-in-a-blanket to take with us for breakfast. (I know you are wondering  what that has to do with anything, but it is crucial to the story, trust me.) We actually did pretty well since we had left so early and the girls slept a lot of the way that morning. One stop we made at a Love's truck stop for gas and a potty break. Amanda was sound asleep and said she didn't need to get out, so the rest of us took turns stretching our legs and taking care of business.

While Trey was inside, I noticed this sweet little gray kitten by the entrance. Someone had given it a little bowl of water but of course it was meowing to every person who passed by. I thought we could spare a pig-in-a-blanket, so we gave it one to munch on. It was apparently very hungry as it scarfed the pig down in record time. Shortly, we all hopped back into the car and were back on our way to Missouri. Amanda never even budged; she loves her sleep.

Our next stop was somewhere in Arkansas for lunch at Arby's. We all got out, stretched and ordered lunch. It was really nice to sit and enjoy time together, just the four of us, as a family. While we were eating I told Amanda, "Hey, you missed it at the gas station when we stopped and you were asleep; there was this cute little kitten!" Amanda replied with the expected, "Aww." Then I said, " Yes, I even fed it a pig." Amanda's eyes grew wide with surprise and she had this amazed look on her face as she repeated, "YOU FED IT A PIG?" She was utterly astonished! We, well we were confused. So I said slowly, "Yes, I fed it a pig." all the time wondering what was going through her mind. As a matter of fact, Trey and Kaitlyn had also stopped eating for a few seconds and were studying Amanda's face for a sign of what the amazement was all about. So there we sat for a second or two, waiting for her to fill in the blanks for us.

Amanda on our road trip to Missouri (wow she has changed so much since then!)

Suddenly Amanda's expression changed from astonishment to puzzlement and she looked at me, tilted her head in that sweet, puzzled  puppy look and said, " Wait, what's 'feddit' ?" Once it registered with the rest of us that she thought the words 'fed' and 'it' were all one and had absolute no clue what I had subsequently done to the kitten or to the ill-fated mystery swine, we all shared quite a laugh. I am sure the rest of Arby's wondered what the crazy family from Texas found so funny in their Arkansas eatery. (You can write your own punchline here.) Once I had calmed my urge to begin laughing again and had explained that I had given the kitten a pig-in-a-blanket to eat, I was struck with the irony of her amazement. I laughingly said to my daughter, "What makes it more funny is that you were so shocked and surprised and yet you had no idea what 'feddit' was." She very quickly and earnestly replied, "Well, that's because I thought maybe you had mixed up your words and you meant to say you had petted a fig." Silence for a split second and then laughter erupts again. What else could we do? I have no explanation for Amanda's quick wit other than I think she gets it from my brother. Often, like this particular instance, she makes us laugh and smile without even trying. It is just one of the endearing things about my youngest daughter.

As I was driving the other day, this story came to mind and with it a strange new correlation. It was easy for me to recognize that God was giving me something specific to write about. I went home and looked up the scripture that God placed in my mind: Matthew 14:22-31. This is the well-known story of Jesus walking on water and then Peter taking a turn walking on the waves. Only this time as I read it, I thought of Peter a little differently. I sort of imagine Peter a little like Amanda.

Matthew 14:22-31

Jesus Walks on the Water
²² Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³ After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ²⁴ and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I can almost picture Peter's face start out with excitement and even astonishment as he takes those first few steps, as though he was thinking,"Yes! He said I could!" Then suddenly he looks up at Jesus and says his own version of, "What's feddit?" resulting in a break in the childlike faith he had just embraced. He was wholeheartedly involved in the conversation between he and the Lord and had bought into the idea of walking on the water until the confusion set in and he thought, "What? Oh my gosh, what am I doing? This is impossible!"  His first jump out of the boat, his eagerness to show the Father his excitement oh so quickly turned to questions and doubt and with that he began to sink.

I know it is not an exact comparison, but the emotions and thought process I imagine are very similar. Amanda was bought completely into the amazing feat that I had 'feddit' a pig- whatever that was. She was so excited and beyond ready to hear all about it, and then she thought, "What in the world is my mom talking about? What's feddit?" I imagine the same series of expressions crossed Peter's face. I even wonder if a disciple or two chuckled at Peter's "mistake"? Of course we are endeared to our daughter through this story. Not just in spite of her error but because of it. How much more was God endeared to Peter that at least he was eager to jump from the boat to walk out to the Savior?

On the flip side, I also wonder how it is for God to hear that same question of doubt over and over from His children. He wants us to be so excited and astonished about what His plans are that we step out of the boat with no reservations. What I think He wants even more is for us to be able to push past those reservations when they do arise and continue to step out on faith. I don't think He gets too tired of hearing our doubts because as long as we bring them to God, then we are showing our faith in Him. I think what is more upsetting to our Savior is when we stop bringing our doubts to Him. We should never be afraid to let God know we are nervous or worried or even doubt. I mean, you do realize He already knows it, right? As long as we continue to bring our weaknesses to His feet, Christ will continue to use those weaknesses for His glory!

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Sometimes it is working through the confusion that we learn the most. We usually learn more from mistakes than successes if we will work to see and correct the mistake (a little something that is true in my math class as well as life). Of course, God may chastise us a little like he did Peter in verse 31, but it is with the love of a Father. Reread verse 31 above. Doesn't it almost sound like Jesus is shaking his head and saying, "Silly Peter, you just watched me. Don't you know I will hold you up?" I know I have been in Peter's proverbial water shoes too many times to count. Thank goodness Christ has never given up on me. So many times I have started to step out on faith in excitement and astonishment only to look up and say my own insecure version of, "Wait, what's feddit?" Praise God that everyday I have the chance to step out again and my doubting of the past becomes mere stepping stones to water-walking of the future.

So what is your "feddit"? You know that thing that is so intriguing and exciting that God wants you to jump up and be involved in but as soon as you take a step or two you start to question your sanity. Whatever it is, don't be so stuck on it but use it to move forward for Christ! All he needs is your eager desire to follow His lead. Don't get so caught up in the whispers of doubt in your ear from the enemy. Stay focused on your Father's outstretched hand and you will be amazed at the things He will accomplish that you never could.

Blessed more than I deserve,

~Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

Going Nowhere Fast

Have you ever watched that show "Undercover Boss" ? It is one that I catch on occasion and I really like it. I will never forget the episode where the CEO of Waste Management, while undercover, was part of a team that cleaned port-a-potties. The gentleman that he rode with, Fred, was amazing to me. He whistled and sang and was probably the happiest outdoor toilet scrubber I have ever seen! He made sure that port-a-potty was spotless! Fred used a strange vacuum to clean out the nastiness and then had an array of cleaners and scrubbers to clean the little outhouse from top to bottom.  It was probably cleaner (I hate to admit this) than my own commode at home! On top of his incredible work ethic, he was joyful; not just happy, but sincerely joyful. The entire time he was vacuuming or scrubbing, Fred was smiling, cracking jokes, making the CEO laugh, and singing. He made the job seem so fun and when the cameras filmed the CEO's thoughts, he was amazed at how Fred took the most menial, nasty job possible and made it something that was so enjoyable and fun! If you would like to watch the trailer for this episode, I posted the link below.

That episode aired as a re-run sometime around the first part of the year. While I watched this man take cleaning a toilet so seriously and have so much fun with it, I immediately felt humbled. You see this last year as a ninth grade Algebra I teacher was one of the most difficult years in my career that I have ever had. I am ashamed to say I did not handle the difficulty with as much grace as I should have.

I worked incredibly hard in my life to become a teacher and truly love the ability to watch a student start to understand something that they have lost hope in. Algebra is hardly ever a class that students are excited to be placed in, and many feel that math is something they will never be able to master. My goal is to teach in such a way that my students see that they not only can do the math, but sometimes, if they aren't careful, they might actually have fun doing it!

This last school year, my school went through a crazy amount of change. Of course change is always difficult. What made the year most difficult for me was that people who had been in place that encouraged creativity in teaching and who fostered a family atmosphere in our school were replaced by those who wanted more "cookie cutter" teaching and frowned upon camaraderie between fellow teachers and employees. My teaching style was directly attacked often by my department leader and I spent much of my time defending methods that I knew from experience would get through to my students. Then to top it off, our team, people who had become my good friends, was specifically targeted and split up and moved to different campuses primarily because we are too loyal to one another and too supportive. The best way I can describe what happened this last year is that it was much like a hostile takeover in business. As a business move, it is smart to separate those who are fiercely loyal to one another and to a former employer because once removed from the group they are easier to control individually for newly placed management. It may be smart for business, but for me and my colleagues, it was devastating.

I was miserable and frustrated and spent much of my time working to hide that frustration from my students. I worried that my dissatisfaction with events and people I had no control over would transfer into my teaching. I worked incredibly hard to continue to give my students my all despite how I felt about things outside of my classroom. Unfortunately most of the people around me that I leaned on for support felt the same way I did. Dissatisfaction breeds dissatisfaction; anger breeds more anger. It became a vicious cycle of frustration, irritation and disappointment.

I debated leaving the district or at least looking for other teaching positions and I was so torn as to what to do. My daughter Amanda, who will be entering the 8th grade, has always said that she couldn't wait until she was at the same school where I taught and I was thinking of leaving a year before she had the chance. It was heart-wrenching.  I really did not want to leave. I graduated from the school where I teach and we live in the town where I teach so I feel really connected to this district. I love the students, many of whom are children of former classmates of mine. My fellow teachers and I had become incredibly close over the last few years; it was a lot like a second family. I even grew to appreciate some of the new administrators and began to form new relationships. Despite the good, there were certain people who seemed determined to control things in a very restrictive way and it was suffocating. I prayed and debated and struggled with direction. I went to my assistant principal at the time and even asked for a letter of recommendation. To my surprise she teared up and almost had me in tears! I told her I wasn't sure what I was going to do; that I was praying for God to lead me.

As I was trying to figure out what to do for the coming year, I was participating in a weekly ladies' Bible study over Esther by Beth Moore. One week I was just in a state of turmoil and I really wanted out of the whole situation, but at the same time, I felt like I would be letting my daughter down and cause a whole new set of problems with working in a different district. We will only have one vehicle this next school year and the logistics of getting everyone where they need to be everyday will be tough enough even with Trey and I both working in the same city. I cannot imagine how we would manage if I worked in another district. Amanda had also just made cheerleader so I knew that would also factor into our schedule pretty heavily.  All this was weighing heavy on my mind and heart as I went to Bible study that Wednesday night and BAM!  God hit me with His word. Here was the focus verse :

Esther 4: 14b

  " And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Immediately I was hit with the realization that this was being spoken directly to me. Isn't it amazing how alive God's word is so long after the original text was written? It was as if the verse said, " Stephanie, who knows but that you became a teacher here for such a time as this one?" I remember thinking, "What God? You really want me to stay? In this mess? All my friends are leaving and the people are mean and...and...and..." My head and my heart were in quite an argument with God. I sat there after the study and just felt deflated and yet at the same time resigned to obedience. I was being called to stay in a very difficult situation. The interesting thing about it though is that after I decided I would stay, I was much less emotional about losing my team and much less worried about facing people who wanted me to fit my teaching style into their preset mold. I even emailed my administrator, the same one who wrote me the sparkling recommendation letter, and told her that in studying Esther, God told me to stay put. Her response was priceless. "Well thank God for Esther!" was all her email said. (Ironically, since that time, this administrator has found work in another district.)

The following week, God solidified His call for me through a student. Every year, there are certain students that I seem to connect with usually while they are going through something outside of school. I tend to "mother" a little bit at school and really look at my students as similar to nieces and nephews" not quite as close to my heart as my own children, but pretty darn close. When I see students who have to face adult problems and often face them very alone, my heart breaks for them. This last year I had a student whose father was dying. This young man was not the easiest student for other teachers, but for me, he was really well behaved. I honestly had no idea his father was ill until late in the year. This young man was one of those students that you heard things he had done in other classes or you saw him in the hall acting out, but for me he was always polite, hard-working , and usually on task. The worst problem I ever had from him was he fell asleep once. I found out later that he lived alone with his father who was dying. His mother had several other children but this was the only one who lived with the dad. One day, out of the blue, he came up to my desk and asked, "Mrs. Rieper, do you know James 1:1?" I was so taken aback and at first probably just looked puzzled. So he repeated his question. Now, most students know I am active in my church, (many of them attend or have visited my local church) but I don't preach to my students or quote scripture in class or anything like that. However, since the student asked, I was able to legally answer him so I looked it up. Here is what I read to him:

James 1:1 

 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations:

Greetings.

The student shrugged his shoulders and walked off. Nothing that remarkable, right? But just wait...God had a bigger agenda. I glanced down at the following three verses:

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance  ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Let me tell you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that those verses were meant for me, an Algebra teacher will do just fine. The student didn't even seem to want the verse he asked for and never asked me for another verse or anything Biblical. In fact I found out much later that he was not raised in church and only after his father passed he moved in with his mother and siblings began going to church and really searching out a better path for his life. He most likely had never read that scripture or even knew what it was about. Why would he ask me about it?  He ministered to me at a time when I needed to be reminded that God can use anyone to complete His plans; I need not worry because He was in control! I was just to be joyful and persevere! What a challenge in difficult situations! Yet at the same time, how liberating to know that God is so in control that a young, hurting man who did not even know Him as savior was the vessel for guidance for a child of God! Isn't that amazing?

So I had two unquestionable moments that I knew God was speaking directly to me; telling me the direction I needed to go.What direction was that? Nowhere. Stay put. God was telling me that He has a plan and for some reason I am needed to fulfill that plan right where I am. I know so often we want these kinds of answers; the kind that are undeniable. Ironically, God usually does tell us in an undeniable way. I think we just tend to brush past things and forget to really see and hear what He is trying to get through our thick heads! I had no choice but to either ignore my Lord and probably find myself in a more miserable situation or stay the course and obey the one who sees the whole picture! This time, I clung to Him and set myself to be obedient despite the emotions that tend to be overwhelming at times. I say "this time" because I cannot say that I have always followed Him so easily. Hopefully that means I am growing and becoming more mature in Christ; that is the goal anyway. I also found another verse that became my mantra at work on those days when other words kept wanting to escape my lips. I wrote it out and taped it to my computer monitor along with a sticky note that said "WHO KNOWS?". That verse is Colossians 3:23 and it gives me incredible focus.

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters

This is the verse that makes me think of Fred from Undercover Boss. The verse says "whatever you do..." meaning even if you are cleaning toilets! Lucky for me, that is not my called profession right now, but what I am called to do is to teach and more importantly touch young people's lives. What a charge! I am so humbled that I have been selected to such an amazing opportunity! What I am doing when I teach these young students really has nothing to do with the people I work for. I am there to impact students, represent Christ, and hopefully teach them Algebra along the way. They don't know it, but I pray for them. Well some of them know it because I tell them, but most probably don't. When we take those dreaded state tests, I pray through my rosters, something a friend of mine used to do when we worked together. (I had never really thought about it until I saw her doing it and thought it was a wonderful idea.) When I am trying something new, I often pray that I will be clear and they will understand what I am trying to get across. I am not saying that I am this amazing Christian teacher, because I have such a long way to go, but I am learning how to become more and more Christlike even in my job.

 Being an educator, I am held to the laws that prohibit me from freely sharing the gospel to my classroom overtly, but my study of Esther taught me something pretty amazing about that also. Did you know that the entire book of Esther never, not once, mentions God? It doesn't refer to Him in any way, or to prayer even! It is a story of the deliverance of the Jews from annihilation but it never mentions that they are God's chosen people or that He rescued them. Yet, it is treated as though everyone who reads the story would just know that the hand of God is all over the story; it is a given. The closest Esther ever gets to mentioning God is when she calls for a fast, which traditionally was a period of intense prayer and abstinence from food or drink. Esther was in a position where her true identity as a Jew was not even known for a while and yet she managed to become a representative for them as well as for God. There is no doubt that she is following God as you read through the book, but His name never comes up! What a great way to describe my position as a teacher. I may not be able to mention His name, but I can sure do things that are unquestionably pointing His direction. My true boss is not a student, a parent, a department leader, a principal a superintendent or even the State Board of Education. My true master or boss is the Lord. When I take my eyes off of that truth, I usually start feeling irritated about situations at work that are out of my control. I have to work harder to remember the bigger picture as I do my job with all my heart. Since Jesus is a resident in my heart, then doing something with "all my heart" must include Him.

Undercover Boss never really told us that Fred is a Christian, but I like to think that the kind of joy he exhibited is impossible without Christ. This man lived out Colossians 3:23 in a way that inspires me to do the same. Who knows, maybe he was placed in that position to impact that CEO in a way that no one else could have?  I can hope that somehow I will have the enthusiasm, drive and unashamed joy in my job as Fred displayed while scrubbing the porta-potty! The main thing I must remember is that nothing I do is for a human master; absolutely nothing. So much more has changed even since I decided to follow the Lord's prompting and stay at my school. Much of it is not what I would classify as good, but I have a different perspective now and I realize that as long as I work with all my heart and keep Christ as the center of my focus, I can have a joy in my work despite the circumstances. My goal for the upcoming year is to look for the reason or reasons that God wanted me to stay. I need to do the best job I can as an Algebra teacher and as a Christian. I am also relieved, and Amanda is excited that it appears that I will be there when she comes through my school. It will take a lot of work on my part to not hold to the emotional reactions that I tend to have about situations and instead hang tight to the joy and direction God has given me. Who knows why I am supposed to stay, but I am so anxious to find out! I hope that I can stay focused and that when I do mess up and succumb to the emotions that I will see the verses on my computer screen or that someone or something will be sent my way to remind me that I am following the plan. I pray that you will be able to rest in his plan also. Who knows what is in store for you! Just that alone should spur us to excitement and joy!

Blessed more than I deserve,
Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DK1J2pq0KZg

Perhaps...

I Samuel 14:6b "Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few. ”


So I started using a new smartphone app last week that is designed to help me memorize scripture. I Samuel 14:6b was the second scripture it "assigned" me. God imprinted it upon my heart in a mighty way, just so I would not forget the impact of His Word.To start this post, I am going to go back several months, just to give you an idea of what an amazing thing God has done for our family.

Over the last several years, my family has been hit hard financially. My husband went without work for two and a half years before finding work about a year ago. During this time, we used Trey's retirement from his previous career to live and open a business. In the last two years, our business failed, essentially losing all of the retirement fund. Our car was subsequently repossessed about a year ago and then our home was foreclosed upon less than a year ago. We have been so blessed during this trying time that our loving God has provided for us every single step of the way. We have a home and we both are now employed. We have two beautiful, healthy daughters who make us proud every day. Recently, the provisions of God's hand has been incredible and undeniable.

Our oldest daughter, Kaitlyn, just graduated from high school. Early in her senior year, she went to visit a few different colleges and of course was being inundated with mail asking her to consider colleges and universities across the nation. In the midst of all of this, she felt led to attend Baylor University in Waco, Texas. She was in fact, so determined to attend Baylor, that she did not even apply anywhere else and would not even look at other universities once she had visited and made her decision. Baylor, being a private, Christian university, is incredibly expensive and you could almost feel the level of stress rise in our house with just the thought of paying for her education. My husband, Trey and I talked about it, prayed about it and honestly we felt this was where she needed to attend. I remember looking at Kaitlyn and saying (the first time of many times), "If Baylor is where God wants you to go, then he is going to have to figure out the money. If he doesn't, you will be attending the local junior college, because we can't even begin to pay for Baylor." Kaitlyn understood, but was still determined and sent off her application.

Trey and I struggled with the idea that we knew this was a great school and our daughter's heart was set on attending there, but we knew we could not pay even a little bit of it. We usually have about $15-25 left each week when we are super careful about our money. The estimated cost of attending Baylor University for one year is currently $51,281! Yes I said $51,281!! Nearly $52,000 A YEAR! Talk about impossible! The amount took my breath away!

It wasn't long that Kaitlyn received her acceptance letter and we needed to send in a $250 deposit to start the process of her becoming a Baylor Bear. We didn't have it. Then we received a check from the electric company for $248 as a refund from our previous account on the house that had been foreclosed. Trey and I discussed it and thought we needed to take a true step of faith, so we used that money and I put the envelope with Kaitlyn's deposit in the mailbox. The mailman came by, taking the envelope and leaving one in its place from Baylor. Imagine our shock when she opened this letter, the very day we sent off our faith deposit and it was a notification to Kaitlyn that her grades and SAT scores had earned her a scholarship of $34,000 to be spread out over four years! It was our first sign that we were on the right track.

For the next several months, I just kept thinking and praying that God would figure out the rest of the money. We really were in no position to even pay for junior college. By April, she had received about $24,000 for the first year through the government and another scholarship from the university!  It was still a long way from $52,000, but it was starting to look a little better.

Trey, Kaitlyn and I attended Freshman Orientation at the beginning of June and it was there that I truly felt a peace that this campus, this University was where my daughter needed to be; it was where God wanted her to be. Every meeting we went to stressed the importance of God and faith and the school's desire to ensure students' spiritual well-being while they further their education. After all the fun parts of orientation, the last place we were sent was the financial aide office and cashier's office to discuss the bill and prepare us for our round of payments. We were still about $14,000 short for the first year. Our options were very limited, and the nice man in the financial aide office said we would need to make payments of about $2500 a month, starting with the first one due July 31st. We just nodded and said, "Okay, thank you." and left in a surreal state of wonder. I remember thinking, " I hope this all works out. How will I tell our daughter that she can't attend here?"  Then I quickly found my "faith button" and just prayed, "Ok, God, this one is all you!"

This is where we found ourselves last week. Enter the verse above. Notice the beginning of it:

"Perhaps the Lord will act on our behalf." summing up my feelings and thoughts completely! Perhaps: not a word very full of faith is it? And yet, I think God understands that completely and even honors it. I really thought He would figure it out, but in the back of my mind I worried that maybe it would not happen.
Then the second part of the verse hits me: " Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." Did you catch that? NOTHING can hinder the Lord! A really wise man I know once told me "If God wants it to happen, there is nothing they (those humans that think they are in charge) can do about it...they cannot even say 'no'." The second part of the verse, "whether by many or by few." is also very significant. You see, Jonathan was going, with only his armor bearer, to face the Philistine army. He was watching for a sign that this was what God wanted him to do and if he saw that sign then the two of them would go and attack, by themselves. Jonathan was telling his armor bearer that it doesn't matter to God how big or small your enemy is, nor does it matter to him how big or how small you are. God can do great things with a few or with many. Conversely, He can defeat few or defeat many, it really is not significant to His ability to save.

This is the verse God sent to me via a smart phone app (of all things) the very week I needed to know that even though $52,000 was HUGE to me, to God it looks no different than $1. Our only option for the rest of Kaitlyn's funding was to get an alternative loan. However, obviously, our credit was not good enough to be accepted for a loan. It would have to be in Kaitlyn's name with a cosigner since she is just 17 still and does not have lines of credit established. It was what should be considered a long shot, but last week, it was approved. We are fully funded for the first year of our oldest daughter's college education at the institution of God's choosing, with the bill paid by His bank account. If God says it will happen, they can't say no. No more questions, no more arguments, and it should be no more worries. I hope that I have learned to understand this concept a little better. I have committed a new verse to memory that is a very powerful verse to know. Most importantly, our daughters were witness to the amazing way that God will provide for His children. That is a lesson they can hold onto in future difficult times. Praise to God our Father who loves us and takes care of us even when we are still saying 'perhaps' when he has already said 'YES.'

Blessed More Than I deserve,
Stephanie
srieper89@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/heartiscrossed